Blog entry for:

in my recovery, is certainly a topic i know very well and one that i can spend at least five hundred words writing about, if that was what i choose to do. it is quite true that my FOURTH STEP sits unwritten, my meeting attendance is way down and the amount of time i spend with my peers in recovery has fallen off the map. there could be a BIG BUT here, but to what end? anything i put after all those facts is just the lies i tell myself to make me feel better about what i am not doing and to break my arm, patting myself on my back about the parts of my recovery i am actively engaged in, on a daily basis.
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yes, parts of my program have slipped away because i have chosen not to replace the meetings i have missed due to life on life's terms. it is not as if i have forgotten about what i need to do, nor am i seriously considering a “vacation” from recovery. it is just the facts of my recent life and those facts can lead me to recommit to what i know i need to do.
in the parts of my program where i am diligent, such as listening to my heart as i quiet the storm in my head, i am finding the sort of solace and direction i once only found by hanging with my peeps. that quietude is not a replacement for social interaction, though i might have the DESIRE to make it so. it does however keep me anchored in where i need to be, even when i overstep and call someone out when they are trying to vent. what i “heard” this morning was a reminder to look at what working an active program of recovery really means to me. what was once appropriate for this addict, no longer seems to fit the bill. telling myself that all i am going to hear is clichés and “bumper stickers” if i go to this meeting or that, feeds the lie that i am different than my peers. worse yet the adjunct lie that “substantial” clean time means that i have already heard just about everything that has to do with being an addict in recovery, makes things even worse. the meeting i chose to attend last week, surprised the f*ck out of me, as most of what was shared was “real” and not recycled slogans of times past. the lesson i was severely educated in, was that i DO NOT know who is going to say the very thing i need to know.
moving into today, it is getting to the time to wrap this up and ease on down the road to my place of employment. just for today, i CHOOSE to be a bit more involved in my program of recovery, by doing the next right thing for me. hopefully that will become apparent as this day unfolds.

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