Blog entry for:

to spot the **smoke** of complacency, long before it becomes a major inferno. it has been quite a tumultuous 48 hours for me, and yet this morning on only 6 hours of sleep i feel like the end is near, the end of this particular trying period in my life. i could go on and on about what has happened, i might even get some relief from a bit of whining, however this morning i am tired of playing the victim and victimizing myself, so i will just let go and accept what comes about during the day today.
this train of thought does not seem in accord with actively participating in my recovery, so i can spots the signs of possible relapse. perhaps i can swing it that way, with just a bit of effort, quite honestly, had i been i active addiction the numbing would have been starting Monday night. as the past days have unfolded, i do not have any desire to return to those days, nor do i have feel the need to alter or numb my feelings. this is remarkable for me. even in recovery, even after a long stretch of days clean, one day at a time, the need to escape comes up from time to time. i would say occasionally, but that is far too soft of a term, and frequently is too harsh, somewhere between frequently and occasional the actual amount exists. spending time quantifying what really is a qualitative judgmental, is not something i wish to do this morning. the best way i can put it, is that life throws me enough curve balls, i have enough feelings, that the part of me i call my addiction wants to change how i am feeling and looks for the ways and means to do so. that part of me is a bit more clever these days, as it uses other things rather than mind altering substances to rid me of that need.
what does that mean on a practical level? for me, it means that when i am reaching into my pocket to get out a piece of plastic to purchase one more thing i do not need, or when i feel like reaching out to control someone, then i am actually participating in my return to active addiction, as those two activities seem to be the biggies.
where do i go from here? well a bit of along run may be just what this doctor ordered then a bit of service to myself and the my fellowship and a bit of work to pay the bills and then who knows, right now, i feel like i can accept what has happened over the past few days, and you know what maybe even forgive, after all there is a season for forgiving, and i feel like i am entering it now. off to hit the streets and see what else i can burn off this morning.

∞ DT ∞