Blog entry for:

of members such as myself, who have accumulated **substantial clean time.**
got to admit, multi-tasking did me in again. i had more than a few words written, justifying and rationalizing why this particular reading was not applicable to me, but lost it with a slip of one of my fat-fingers. i certainly had sorts of notions, however the truth is, i was getting around to saying that “i got this,” while denying that thought.i may say that i am still a student and do not know a whole bunch about this recovery gig, but in my mind's eye, i think i probably know all that i “need” to know, despite evidence that can easily disprove that particular assertion. three months of self-will, that has put me into a less than ideal financial situation that will take me a year to climb out of and having the obsession to use nicotine upon me, long after the physical part of that dependence has passed, certainly show that i am not as “well” as i would like to tell myself.
one saving grace, in all of this mess, is that i have a recovery routine that i practice with religious zeal. this little trip through the 3RD step is teaching me, once again, just how little control i have over outcomes, when i choose to ignore what i am being told. as i sat this morning and my mind flitted between various topics, what did not come up was whether or not i was complacent and burning my life down. no what came up was the question of whether or not i was willing to let go and surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery? as the question popped up, the answer tended towards well, maybe, if only… what i am seeing right here and right now, is that IF i want to continue my journey in recovery, i will NEED to be a bit more willing to let go of more than a few outcomes and listen for what is actually happening around me. today that means, that maybe a Sunday evening meeting is part of my plan and that i let go of “looking better” that everyone else, just for today.

∞ DT ∞