Blog entry for:

to any sort of program of recovery, may appear to be lacking. lately there are times where i felt that staying clean and living a program of recovery was not paying off. add to that my emotional response to the bit of performance art i was a part of, and i might say that there is more than a little wisp of smoke, to use the metaphor put forward in the reading this morning. i can say this however, i woke up this morning after sleeping the best i have slept in the past ten days, knowing that i am clean, my side of the street is clean and i do not owe or have to feign any sort of apology to save my face. it is not like the issues in my life have resolved, but i know what i am, where i am going and possibly how to get there.
today and for the next five days, i am on my own at work to attempt to finish off my task. i am so close that i can see the finish line and it is important to me, to show myself and my boss that i am worth keeping around. my mentor is on holiday break, so it is up to me to ask the right people the correct questions, to get the last piece to connect everything up, working correctly. it kind of sucks that my thirty days rolls out over the holiday season, but i can whine, bitch and moan about it, or just embrace it for what it is, the opportunity to show my stuff and solve the issues i have before me.
emotionally and spiritually, i am refreshed. now that i have lost a battle i never intended to fight, i can see that i was actually victorious in the long run. my worthy opponent shows themselves for who they were and although they may have accomplished something, it will always reek of self-will and prestige. for me, i invested nothing in it, but took on a whole lot of garbage that actually belonged to someone else. my bad, in this whole matter was holding on to what was not mine and picking up the mantle of “defending the faith,” once again. i now see how destructive that set of behaviors was to me in the past and that even if i had “WON” what exactly would have been gained. i might have deflated a blowhard and showed them up for the smoke and mirrors they are, but at what cost. to me, to my peers in recovery and to my fellowship? sitting here this morning, i can see that i am better off to walk away and let whatever mess ensues under their so-called leadership, happen. i can always come back, one day in the future. coming back to right now, it is time to take a minute and breathe, change into my winter workout togs and get some miles under my belt. it is nice to step out into this morning, knowing full well that what sort of day i have is not reliant on how others may see me, or worse, how i think pothers see me. what may be, is just that what may be. what is, is that i have to move forward in my service commitments, even though they are changing, after being stagnant for so long. ironically when i was asked if i wanted to take over seven days ago, i might have better served to yessir, at least i have a clue or two of what leadership means in this fellowship.

∞ DT ∞