Blog entry for:

to see through the smoke to find my way out. so as one has already surmised by the general tone i take here, i am not a big fan of some of the metaphors that ware used in the daily readings. this one however, may be okay, at least it is not comparing my recovery with a car. there are certainly a lot of elements in the metaphor that can be extended to my recovery, especially the notion that relapse starts quietly, and long before i actually end up loaded. as slow as a relapse may start, there are certainly always warning signs, especially if i have been letting go of doing the things that i NEED to do to stay clean.
there is the rehash of the reading, time to move along.
so i could write about my commitment to recovery, but that seems more than a bit redundant, as i am writing this on a daily basis.
i could write about those i have seen go out, even when blatantly told they were NOT doing all they could to support their recovery, old news, been there done that got the T-shirt.
i could write about those who are sliding into the morass of their addiction, day by day, because they refuse to pick up the phone or a piece of literature and get rolling on their step work, however that is just preaching to the choir, because chances are they do not read this little exercise of self-enlightenment.
so after taking care of one of my weekly chores, i have a better sense of what it is i heard this morning. it seems to be going along of the theme of uncovering what my pay-off is for distancing myself from the fellowship, by being judgmental of my peers and how the present their recovery. certainly, more than one of them are slipping back into active addiction and are blind to that fact. one in particular comes to mind, as i think about it,. amazingly they have twisted the process of the steps around, to give them justification to return to doing the same old crap they did, when they first got clean. if they have yet to cheat on their spouse, it will not be long now, and they will be self-righteous and self-entitled about it, because after all…
yes, i know a whole lot about the self-deception i practice, it seems. i see it all around me, and it stings when i realize that i, too, am engaging in that very same trap of misapplying the spiritual principles, defects of character are just that DEFECTS! having them removed is a blessing, not a curse, and they certainly are not “morphed” into character assets.
i am an addict and for me that means, that addiction is me. not some foreign and alien visitor that is trying to warp me into something i am not. since the day i got clean, i have free-will and addiction is not trying to kill me, nor it is it willing to settle for me getting loaded. i am the addict, so it was me, and only me, that was killing myself in all those years of active addiction. it is me, who longs to get high, every now and again. it is me, who decides that today is a good enough day to use, after all, things really are not that much better. it is me, who argues over the amount of water in a cup that contains 50% of its volume. yes and it is me, who has decide that i am worth doing what it takes to stay clean today and foster my recovery.
but it is my peers that can warn me i am slipping away, if i allow them to do so. which when you get down to it, is exactly what i needed to hear this mo rning! time to roll on down the road and into the so-called real world.

∞ DT ∞