Blog entry for:

the full range of my recovery looks a whole different than it did when i first got clean or even a year ago, when i was struggling with my ego and the egos of others. looking back on those days i see that it is certainly more than time to let go and just get on with my life. i am reminded how ironic it was the other night when the very conservative members of my book club expressed their disdain for their party and yes the politicians they voted for, being so focused on the events of two years ago and the imagined fraud that was still holding them back. i find it ironic in that they often criticize the more liberal politicians about being stuck in the past and for interfering in the personal lives of their constituents, but refuse to see how politicians of their ilk are much more repressive to those that do not fit in any nice neat boxes. i could go on, but the point here was to illustrate my own shortcomings and not theirs. i am the one who is stuck in the past and still feels a certain amount of bile rise in my throat when a certain peer happens to walk into my home group. i have moved beyond being uncomfortable, but my disdain for them has yet to be removed.
closer to real time, one of the men that i once told that i had no more to give him as his sponsor, called me last night as i was on my way to carry the message of hope. he said he was looking to rebuild a relationship with someone who was clean and lived life in a socially acceptable manner. i told him i was amenable to that and listened as he went through the litany of his trials and tribulations of the past thirteen months. the one thing that caught my attention was his dismay over the last time we saw each other and my hesitancy to give him a ride. my “pause” was not because of any strain in our relationship, but merely a refection on past behaviors, specifically a ride to somewhere was either to score or the start of a long chain of taxiing him all over the city to do this and that. i could drop into the long and very storied history i have with this peer, but to what end. i know who and what he is, and although the words he utters are so sweet and sincere sounding, i am left to wonder what is his motive? i will leave that question unanswered and file it away into the rhetorical bin, for right now anyhow. it now appears that i have two men that formally called me their sponsor, working to rebuild a relationship with me and i have yet to establish what my boundaries are going to be. i do know this, i will not commit more of my resources to either one of these gentlemen than they are willing to commit to me. no matter how they spin it, they are where they are, because of the decisions they made, even though they were quite certain of the consequences. i am where i am, because way back when, i decided not to play the odds in one certain aspect of my life and give this “clean” life a chance even if it was only going to be for eighteen months. ironically, yes there it is again, that stretch of time has turned into a whole lot more than i ever realized was possible.
just for today, the full measure of my recovery includes discerning when and where i give of myself. it means that i look to my current behavior in real-time and evaluate whether or not it aligns with my spiritual ideals. it means being present for the opportunities that i am given and taking care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to the very best of my ability. i am grateful today for what i have been given and when i was “giving it away” last night, i wondered how many of those men would actually make it and then realized that was none of my bidness, i gave them what i had and it is up to them what they do with that gift. so it is off to the streets and into another busy day at work. i will pay attention to what is going on and see where i might be able to eke out a bit more active recovery, as i walk through this slice of time.

∞ DT ∞