Blog entry for:

come after acceptance of myself.
bunches and bunches of levels and tracks i could down this morning, but as my time is short today, i do believe that will stick to the straight and narrow and go on and on about FAITH, ACCEPTANCE and CHANGE.
i know i have been working over those on the margins the past few days, as i sat down to write this, this morning, i realized that those on the margins, probably do not read this and i am mostly writing to relieve what is on my mind, in front of the little choir of readers i have developed. that realization, will not change what i write, but it does give me some insight into what is happening within me.
so FEAR of change is one emotion that i am quite familiar with, due to my long dance with it, through active addiction, periods of abstinence and active recovery. it seems ever-present and unchanging. that fear feeds the part of me i call addiction to resist, denigrate and generally do what it can to stop my march to becoming a better person. just as those in the margins do, my self-obsessive behaviors take over and all of a sudden., i am no longer a peer in the rooms, i have to be above or below, but never ever equal. more and more, as that inequality changes to a wedge that drives me away from the very people who love ma and can provide me the guidance and example i need to return to the fold. i tell myself that they make me feel uncomfortable, the nature of that discomfort comes from the fact that they can see right through me, to the core of my being. under their gaze i can hide nothing, and addiction, at least as it manifests in e, wants to be secretive, hidden and oh so discreet. all of sudden, my peers become those people and i am on my way out.
i am fortunate in one sense, my desire not to go to prison, back in the day, was strong enough to keep me clean, long enough for active recovery to kick in. today i am an equal and a peer to my fellow members, and all i want to do, is attract those on the margins, back into the fold. bit by bit, i chisel away at my FEAR. bit by bit, i allow myself to change as guided by the POWER that fuels my recovery. most of all, today i accept who i am, an addict in recovery, who is more than the man that walked into the rooms, but still a work in progress. so it is off to see what i can get done today, after all, it is a great day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞