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i would like to be. that is when my defense mechanism of denial kicks in, taking me to the opposite extreme: nothing about myself needs changing. as i sit here this morning, thinking about my life, and myself, i realize how easy it is to swing between these two extremes and how little time i actually stay in the middle, accepting myself for who i am, right here and right now. as i get more clean time, as i work more steps and most importantly as i learn how to live an active program of recovery, i spend more time in acceptance and self-acceptance than i used to, but, alas, like everything else along this journey, overcoming the conditioning of active addiction, and what led up to that first use, sometimes feels like tilting at windmills. Don Quixote was not the only one to see things for what they were and were not, i also like to hide in the fog of obliviousness. after all, i think, if i do not see it, it cannot possibly exist, or even better my real favorite, IF i see it it must be real.
of course what does any of this prattling have to do with humility and self-acceptance? plenty! those ideal states and my distance from attaining them is a function of how healthy i really am, in this very moment! when i am program centered, living in the here and now, and present for what is going on in and around me, i come very close to achieving these ideals. one might say, that when i am doing everything as right as i can, i am as right as i can be. the rub comes when i venture into that familiar territory of being an addict. i would love to say that this has become a set of ‘old’ behaviors, but as my sponse so fondly reminds me, anything that i am doing NOW, can hardly be considered an old behavior. once i drop into the familiar mode of living in addiction, active or not, i swing between the im am nor worthy and i am without flaws extremes. so a quick spiritual barometer for me, might be a quick inventory about how i view myself in the here and now. if i can honestly say that i am okay just the way i am, acknowledging my so-called flaws, then i am more than likely living in thew spiritual program of recovery, otherwise i am exercising my addiction. right now, i am cool with who i am, and that is not unexpected as i just spent the past 15 minutes thinking and writing about this. i am ready to go for a run, and that too, will allow me another 40 minutes of being in the solution. the real test starts in a little, while, so while i have the desire and the energy, it is time to trot off into the dawn.

∞ DT ∞