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short i fall of my ideals, often weighs heavy on my mind. the answer, of course, is to live a program of recovery and allow myself to become the better version of myself, i have always wanted to be. 'nuff said, time to move along.
well maybe. this morning, as i start a weekend of leisure or something resembling that, i “heard” that maybe i need to be a bit more “positive” when i share in meetings. perhaps, i need to share in the manner i shared last night at my service commitment, that no matter what, there is HOPE when all looks hopeless and that there is a way out of desperation. it is quite true, that what i share the most about, is what i am struggling with, day to day, month to month, year after year. the lies i tell myself about not being good enough and being some kind of other addict, top that list. i share quite differently when i am not in a regularly scheduled meeting, because i “feel” i have to do so. part of my commitment is to let my peers in those settings know that there is a way out. in regularly scheduled meetings i seem to “feel” that kind of sharing does not reflect who i really am, and there are enough of my peers who focus on the “positive, yippy-skippy“ part of their recovery, that i can share the “darkness” that is within me. i often wonder that if what i share in either setting actually provides any sense of hope at all, which goes back to the primary story i tell myself about not being good enough.
what i do know today, is that not smoking or using any form of nicotine, is making me feel better. my resting pulse rate has dropped into the mid 60's and my wind and endurance has increased. financially, i can take care of my obligations and provide for Christmas to those i love.spiritually, i am starting to feel comfortable about letting go of all of that stuff and surrendering into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. professionally, i am starting to feel good about my current job and the projects i have in the hopper. and when it comes to my recovery and the message i am carrying, i can see that the split in the content of my shares is not only appropriate but necessary for me. i need to be able to dump my garbage somewhere and my service commitments is not the correct forum to do so.
accepting that i CAN be a better version of myself, at least for this addict, is the path forward to becoming that better version, a self-fulfilling prophecy, as it were. this morning as i dress for success and head on out to get some steps and some fitness under my belt. i can allow myself to be okay, with how things are, right here and right now, knowing full well, that this too shall pass.

∞ DT ∞