Blog entry for:

does not seem like much of a gift, at least on the surface. there has certainly been moments in my recovery, where the freedom i have to change, felt more like a cross to bear, rather than something i needed to embrace. sitting here this morning in my first day of mandated time off from work, i wonder what i really need to change, after all, my job will last until the end of June, i have my bills paid, i have plans to finish my “free” python class, before the annual payment kicks in and get to an live in-person meeting. so plenty to do and yet i am still feeling uneasy about being away from work. my reaction to this is kind of weird, as work has been frustrating lately. my take on this day, is to move forward and see what happens, and if an opportunity to be something more comes down the pike, just take it.
there have been times in my life when i welcomed change, especially change who i was, what i thought and how i reacted to the world around me. there has also been times in my life when i felt as if i was made of granite and change was neither desired nor needed. the reading put an interesting spin on that swing, tying it to FEAR of what any sort of change might bring. as i ponder that notion, i can see that certainly may be the case. acceptance that i am who i am and be willing to cease fighting the changes being manifest in my life as a result of living a program does seem to be the path to a more serene self this morning. i may have kicked some fantasy football ass, for a second week in a row, but my desire to gloat and flip my opponent a bit of shite, seems to be fading as i let go of it. the only action i chose to follow this year in that activity was to not do a wholesale destruction of my team, following a loss. i kept what i had, made some choices guided by people more skilled than i am and allowed the results to take care of themselves. interesting that i used a strategy that allows me the FREEDOM to live free from active addiction, in a totally unrelated activity and it worked out. maybe, just for today, i can let go of what i think i am supposed to be and see what i can be by surrendering to the change that comes from accepting a program of active recovery into my life.

∞ DT ∞