Blog entry for:

from perfect, especially in my own eyes, even after coming out from under the shadow of a lie that colored all who i thought i was. i am still struggling to find the balance between what i am, what i think i am and what i can become. as i age in this program of recovery, i often feel as if i am missing something essential, something that my peers seem to have and have had for quite some time, specifically a sense of purpose and of self. no matter how many times i tell myself that i cannot possibly know what it is they are feeling, based on how they “look” i end up going down that road, once again. what bubbled up from the depths this morning was a sense of who i am and a glimpse of where i might be going. unfortunately, it was one of those “feelings” kind of experience that i am not capable of rendering into words no matter how much of a sage i may be.
moving forward into what is, and leaving what i may want to be, behind, i feel less anxious about my future at my current job. i am still not up to the level i NEED to be, but i am progressing quickly to get there and four days off and a bit of quiet time over the next two weeks will certainly help me to sharpen up my skills.the other thing i am noticing, is that for some reason, i have arrived at the shortest day of the year, without a cloud over my head. i may not be the most shining example of enthusiastic optimism, but my cynicism has been cut way back. i hardly believe i have suddenly been relieved of seasonally affected depression, but i have had more than a bit of the darkness lifted. it is ironic that i did not notice until the darkest day of the annual solar cycle. that only goes to show that sometimes i miss important stuff that is occurring in the here and now, or perhaps it really was not all that important and looming after all, and i just lived my way through it. either way, tomorrow, the days start getting longer, once again.
in the long and short run, i am certain that whether or not i feel sad, angry, happy or confused, i am feeling exactly what i need to feel. i can say that owning the fact that i am entirely ready to have my defects of character removed and saying it out loud at my home group and on the phone to my sponsor, did relieve some of that pain as well. it is time to head out and get some miles under my belt, as it were. i know what i want to accomplish today and i may actually be able to do so. it is a good day to be clean and to allow myself the freedom to accept what change may come barreling down the pike.

∞ DT ∞