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the bad and the ugly, to borrow a phrase from a spaghetti western, is an apt manner in which to describe my whole self. i can say without any reservations that is not how i ever saw myself in the past. for decades i believed i was totally “broken” hence too ugly to show my real self. when i was using there was absolutely nothing i was nothing but “great.” as i stay clean and learn how to live this program of active recovery, i get to see more clearly how i see myself and what i show of myself to the world around me.
this morning as i had to change my plans and actually drive into work, i actually had nothing on my mind, save for the drive itself. for a change, that was refreshing. i arrived at work however, and forgot that i had recently changed my password and did not have it available in my memory or on my phone. of course, my first reaction was to pack up and head home. instead i made a decision to call home and get it from my spouse, who i had to wake-up. i certainly owe her a debt of gratitude for being so pleasant about covering my ass. before i did that, the litany of self-disparagement and name-calling had commenced and was starting to reach a fever pitch. i had to take a minute and allow myself the freedom to realize that the situation i was in was not because of something i was not, it simply was part of being human, as all humans make a mistake or three on a daily basis. it was not “bad” or “ugly,” it simply just was.
i could go on and on and about how see myself these days, now that i have accepted who i was, who i am and who i may become. the fact is, just for today, i am willing to invite change into my life and do my best to accept that change, especially when it is me who is changing. life does go on and my tasks at work are not getting completed. it is a good day to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what that skin may look like to the rest of the world.

∞ DT ∞