Blog entry for:

that says i do not have to change. well, winter has arrived, the calendar says it is so, as well as the weather this morning, cold and snowing right now and forecast to be more of the same for the next week or so. if you came here to get a weather report, there you have it. for me, the shortest day of the year, is always one that i am glad to be done with and just as others did, way back in “ancient” times did i worship the fact that the sun will now start climbing in the sky and the days will get longer. the holidays for me, since i got and stayed clean, have always been a mixed bag of emotions, filled with more than a fair share of fear and denial. i do DESIRE the change that acceptance of myself leads to, but i am FEARFUL of what that change may look like. so i stall out on my steps and stay in the comfortable misery of being “good enough.”
accepting that i am far from perfect, has never been an issue for me in recovery. accepting that i NEED to change, is an issue that comes up time and again. my paradigm has always been that i can settle for being good enough, which goes well with being lazy and my enjoyment of being diverted and distracted from what needs to be done. as i have from “thinking” to feeling the next right thing to do, i find that i can be quite good at denying what i do feel and think that i am doing the next right thing for myself. the lie for me, is not that change may be needed, it is that i do not want to make the effort facilitating that change may take.after a day or two clean, i mean seriously whats is the point. i have men i sponsor and many peers, who never work a second set, much less a fifth set of steps and seem to be okay for not doing so. i use their examples as a guide to my own actions and am quite content to do so, most of the time. then a reading such as this one, spins around in my annual cycle and i am forced, well not forced but certainly made less than comfortably distracted, to look to my own self and leave the example of others by the wayside.
where does this reading leave me? well feeling less than secure and comfortable, sitting on the brink of that fifth set of steps and a tad bit more willing to actually do some writing. right here and right now? well it is time to finish getting ready to work form the comfort of home, without the long freaking, slippery commute this morning. i forget what a joy it is, to have that FREEDOM. once i get to that point, i also see that i do take the FREEDOM i have found from self-obsession, through working a step or twelve for granted. IF i want to foster that FREEDOM and stop settling for good enough, i know the path i need to take. acceptance of who and what i am does not equal settling for what i have, anymore.

∞ DT ∞