Blog entry for:

this morning there are a few themes going through my head. the cynic in me, realized how many things i had to do to accommodate being a person that has a dog. the emotional side of me, felt sad, when i came to accept for now, i do not need to do any of those things. the cynic believes i have a new freedom, the emotional part struggles to accept the cost of this new freedom. so it goes. these are the times when i wished i was a simpler sort, a person without any depth who just went through life reacting to what is going on. here is when the recovering part of me kicks in, if i had not come to recovery, i would not have been able to give or receive love, and as a result, i would have missed my chance to be human, with all of the messy emotions, missteps and pain, that taking risks entails. honestly, the way i am feeling this morning makes it hard to be grateful for who i have become. i want to change all of that, and of course the old solution, the so-called nuclear option is still just that, an option i COULD choose, and one for right now that i choose not exercise. the alternative means of punishing myself look more appealing, and yet, something keeps pulling me back to the reality, that all i want to do is stop feeling. accepting that is my first task this morning.
i am tired of feeling blue. i am tired of crying at all the weirdest times. i am tired of coming home and not finding my dawg here to greet me and starting the whole cycle over again. the exercises in grief, that are part of my recovery experience do not include any that were so immediate and so personal. i have no experience in handling these feelings and it really just sucks. i just want to scream and then the cynic kicks in with self-talk like, “get over it, he was after all…”
the bumper stickers and bromides, are actually a bit of a help, especially when i realize this too shall pass, and the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. i want to feel the spirit of giving. i want to feel the love and support i have been given and most of all i want to get on with my life. work is a great diversion, but i can only fill so many hours a day with that activity. shopping for gifts is an excellent diversion, but that is also an activity that in reality is limited in duration. after i am done with all of that i am still left with me and being me, at least this morning SUCKS.
well maybe not really, what sucks is dealing with all the stuff that is going on inside. as i read what i have written i think what the fVck where is the HOPE, and i am half tempted to erase it all, and say that i am fine, and blithely go on and on about how accepting myself as a result of step work is one of the greatest gifts that i have received since i decided that recovery was actually what i wanted to do. the cynic within tells me that no one cares, and are actually getting tired of my whining about things that i cannot change, so what is the point of actually posting this. the part of me that wants my recovery to survive this course of events is what is keeping me going. it is what is keeping me writing. and it is what keeps giving the slimmest sliver of HOPE that i will be a better tomorrow, all i have to do, is not do something that is irreversible today.
which means that the time to hit the showers, scrape the whiskers off my face and get ready to go out into the real world is upon me. writing this does help. learning to walk in the FAITH that life happens and it is not some sort of cruel joke, seems to be where i want to go this morning. and the lessons i learned from Odin can apply in my life: learn to love without conditions, learn to forgive without limits and i will be okay enough to face another 24.

∞ DT ∞