Blog entry for:

i lose my fear that i am damaged beyond repair; i come to believe i can change. right off the bat, i will say what i have said before, so there is no mystery about what i am talking about here. i am not, for the record and at this time one of those “GOD” people. there are many aspects of the 𕢜GOD” as put forward by others that just rub me the wrong way. here is the paradox: i am a firm believer in a POWER that fuels my recovery, in other words i am “HIGHER POWERED,” and have no trouble owning that at all. i could get into a discussion about how those ideas differ in more than just semantics, but i will leave that for another time, which may be never.
so as this last day of the Mayan grand cycle dawns, i am feeling more than a bit pensive and certainly approaching yet another paradigm shift in my life. way back when i first got clean, those who were here, told me that i would need to change everything that i was. i thought that they were engaging ion a bit of poetic license and thought to myself, sure over my dead body. well as time passes, as the step working process performs its transformative magic upon my mostly unwilling mind, spirit and physical self, i began to finally see, that perhaps they were correct. not only has my life changed, i have changed and the resulting product of all that change is a person, i would not recognize, had i met him at the beginning of my recovery. just as i once believed that drugs were not the problem, that i was not an addict of any sort and that the whole question about whether or not GOD existed was something fro the superstitious peasants to debate to their hearts' content. in fact, as i have worked the steps, i have become willing to let go of my time-worn and destructive beliefs and become someone who seeks, rather than someone who knows. today, i still am seeking, even though i have grown the FAITH, to believe that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is for me to stay clean today. that means doing the next right thing, which this morning happens to be getting in the shower and heading out to BOULDER for another day of gainful employment. that is a symptom of my return to sanity, and allowing that change to be manifest, and accepting that is the result, is something i do not have to struggle with today. it is a great day to be at the end of a cycle and who know? maybe the wags are correct after all, and it really is…

∞ DT ∞