Blog entry for:

and change.
as i sit here this morning, mourning the decline and fall of my home team at the end of this season, i am struck by a number of different thoughts and themes. yes football is only a game, and yes in need not tie any my esteem into the fortunes of a football team. life is way more than a football game, and as i grow up in public, as one of my peers is apt to say, i grow beyond the identities i once held so near and dear to my heart. once upon a time, i was way above paying any attention to football. i saw it as crass, an huge waste of resources and a total waste of my time. i saw football fans as boors, and did my best to elevate myself above that oh so common crowd. as i came to see that all of those attitudes were based in a false identity i set-up for myself, to cover and obfuscate the person i really was, i became one of those boors, i railed against. ironic how things work out. for me, football is one of the ways i socially connect to my peers, friends, family members and acquaintances, it is a glue of sorts that binds us together, at least on some superficial level. it is part of who i am becoming and football as a means for me to connect is not necessarily a bad thing at all.
change is inevitable, that has been the case even before i admitted that i was an addict or became a member of any fellowship. when i stopped using, the change process took off and it is only through the framework of the steps that i get to help guide and mold that process. not that i have an exceptional amount of power in this regard, but at least i can accept what is coming down the pike and be okay with what has come to pass already. the longer i stay clean, the more i am able to accept, at least when it comes to changing m,e, and as i change, so do all my peers, associates, family members and acquaintances, all of a sudden the are far less odious and boorish, and i want to be a part of their lives.sitting here at the end of my 11TH step i am unsure of what the lesson may be, but i have reached the pointy of not caring about the “why,” and am coming to accept it as how it was meant to be. just as my relationship with a newer member is deepening, just because i reached out to them at odd and seemingly random times. the acceptance of who i am, allows me to become more to the people who interact with me on a daily or not even a daily basis. that change or those changes are part of acceptance and the process, while brutal at times, has forged a better me, someone who can reach out to the new guy, just to ask them to be a part of something more.
i do however, need to get rolling down the road to work. i may only be able to secure 9TH place in fantasy football, but once upon a time i did not even have any desire to do the work i need to do to play. 9th is much better than not at all, at lest just for today.

∞ DT ∞