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or not, i still have bouts of denial and resistance to change, rooted in the half-truth that i can never get any **better.** that lie is based on the way i see myself these days, and what i see as my **intractable issues.** when i choose to, and yes it is a choice, i can accept that old slogan about this being a process of progress not perfection. most of the time i make that choice without being consciously aware of it happening. when i see my friends and acquaintance losing hope and choosing to move in the wrong direction, i wonder what it is, that i did, that was wrong. in my zeal to support and not carry the addict, did i go too far? when that little bit of self-doubt and uncertainty creeps in, i GET to choose to see that i cannot “save” anyone and all of my efforts to do so, will ultimately fail. the evidence of this happening is overwhelming and yet, somehow, i think that maybe this time…
i have do admit that change is hard, even on those days i totally accept myself, just as i am. i do recall that when i was using and as i got clean, the denial that i had to change was strong in this one. relationships were not my bag and i was fairly certain that this recovery gig was not going to change any of that. in fact it took a whole lot of work on myself before i was capable of entering a loving, intimate, equal partnership with the woman who fills my life with contentment. learning to listen to what she desires and needs, did not seem to be part of my DNA and obsession with mine, nearly ended our life together more than once. it is only through the twelve step process that i have learned how to be a partner in life and provide for her needs, as she provides for mine. acceptance of who i am and my DESIRE to be something more, drives that process onward and upward. on that note, i think i will wrap this up and go be of service to my home group. as much as i hate to accept responsibility, this is one that i do purely because it is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞