โ in my own eyes โ
Posted: Wed, Dec 21, 2016 12:18:12 PM
What a day, I read this JFT hours ago and am only now finding the time to squeeze this in between one activity and another. Of course is m getting distracted by a movie. So it goes.
Fear and denial are the spiritual opposites of acceptance, as the reading states. I get that and being among the others 85% for the past 6 days, passing as one of them. In fact, I have been passing so well, I am beginning to think I am one of them. I am in serious need of a meeting which is three days away. At least I do not stand out the way I did a few nights at in St Georges. My ability to pass is the result of the TWELVE STEPS. The danger in passing for something I am not, is that I can start to believe the lie that maybe, just maybe I am. As zen as that sounds, as I laid on the massage table, it came to me that maybe passing is not such a good thing.
Thinking about some of the folks I have been hanging out with, in the evenings as I enjoy a cigar, I get very judgmental, I mean they tell the same stories, the same jokes and try to keep themselves n the spotlihght. Do I really want to that badly to be one of them? Seriously? On this side of my massage I can say not really. Sure I would like to be a little less stiff and certainly a bit less serious, and I know a nip or two of sumthin&39;, sumthin' would do the trick. The tune heart of the matter what is it about me, that I cannot accept today? Why would I want to be anything but what I am? There is an old tape that echoes around my head every now and again, that I was born broken and unrepairable. The proof of that is that I am an addict. Since I am beyond redemption and there is no hope, why even bother? I might as well give up the path I have chosen today and see for how long I can pass as a member of that yer 85% and stay sane. You know, control my using, keep is social and in amounts that\'s those others use and be okay in between those moments. Yes that may be the plan, and maybe I could\'ve keep to it for days, months and perhaps years, but would I really be happy knowing what I have left behind? And so the tape reaches its end and I decide once again that yes, I am okay, just the way I am today and yes I will live an active program of recovery, just for today. Even if that days is already 3/4 of the way done.
Fear and denial are the spiritual opposites of acceptance, as the reading states. I get that and being among the others 85% for the past 6 days, passing as one of them. In fact, I have been passing so well, I am beginning to think I am one of them. I am in serious need of a meeting which is three days away. At least I do not stand out the way I did a few nights at in St Georges. My ability to pass is the result of the TWELVE STEPS. The danger in passing for something I am not, is that I can start to believe the lie that maybe, just maybe I am. As zen as that sounds, as I laid on the massage table, it came to me that maybe passing is not such a good thing.
Thinking about some of the folks I have been hanging out with, in the evenings as I enjoy a cigar, I get very judgmental, I mean they tell the same stories, the same jokes and try to keep themselves n the spotlihght. Do I really want to that badly to be one of them? Seriously? On this side of my massage I can say not really. Sure I would like to be a little less stiff and certainly a bit less serious, and I know a nip or two of sumthin&39;, sumthin' would do the trick. The tune heart of the matter what is it about me, that I cannot accept today? Why would I want to be anything but what I am? There is an old tape that echoes around my head every now and again, that I was born broken and unrepairable. The proof of that is that I am an addict. Since I am beyond redemption and there is no hope, why even bother? I might as well give up the path I have chosen today and see for how long I can pass as a member of that yer 85% and stay sane. You know, control my using, keep is social and in amounts that\'s those others use and be okay in between those moments. Yes that may be the plan, and maybe I could\'ve keep to it for days, months and perhaps years, but would I really be happy knowing what I have left behind? And so the tape reaches its end and I decide once again that yes, I am okay, just the way I am today and yes I will live an active program of recovery, just for today. Even if that days is already 3/4 of the way done.
∞ DT ∞