Blog entry for:

to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
well i copied and pasted and altered my seed and promptly walked away to do something else. the reading had all the overtones of a STEP THREE reading and yet i resist going there. it also implied that FAITH is the foil to FEAR, and that topic feels played out in my head as well. perhaps the nature of my reluctance to get rolling down the pike on this particular application of my recovery program., is that i do NOT want to examine if and how self-will is popping up in my day to day living. after all, if upon examination i discover that i am running on self-will rather than true will, well that means that i may need to change how i am living. change is never comfortable, especially when it looks like the best or only course of action. no matter how i slice, dice or julienne it, i need to look at what i am avoiding, so i can say i wrote this, hop in the shower and go earn my living.
a very common pattern of mine, is to write around what i am feeling, never quite getting to the heart of the matter. my greatest source of FEAR, these days, has to do with the lack of security i feel at my current position. in fact, that lack of security, led me to go see my boss and ask what was up. his answer while calming and reassuring, did little to calm or reassure me. the underlying panic, that i have been feeling for the past sixty days, is finally coming to the surface and it feels like a relationship that has started to go bad. my extincts in that case is to bolt with the “it's not you, it's me,” lie. of course it is you. it was always you, and never me. so what do i do? i schedule a phone call with the recruiter that got me this job to talk about another opportunity.
is that truly self-will, a demonstration of my lack of FAITH, a capitulation to FEAR, or is it the next right thing to do. i am a firm believer in the POWER that fuels my recovery, providing me what i need, exactly when i need it. this may be an instance of that POWER giving me a way to achieve what i want, more importantly, at least to the part of me i call addiction, what i WANT, stability and mo' money, mo' money, mo' money! what am i going to do? well i am going to listen, i am going to do my best to present who i am and i am going to walk through this FEAR, using the tools the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me. oh yeah, i am also going to buy a POWER BALL ticket, just to through a little more chaos into the mix and jumble of wants, desires and needs i have rolling around inside these days.
anyhow, i guess i have done a pretty good job, getting down to the nuts and bolts of what i am feeling these days. the ironic part is, when it comes to staying clean, and working a program, and yes even living a program, i have no FEAR, as my FAITH in those matter sustain me. for seem reason, when it comes to work, career and my professional life? well, that seems to be an area of my life,, that i believe i can run without any assistance, even though the evidence supporting that assertion is severely lacking. so this morning, regardless of my plans, i think i will surrender my job and professional life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞