Blog entry for:

of a spiritual awakening and rejoice when i discover them.
yes it is a double dagger day and part of what i heard last night at the meeting as well as this morning, as i listened to what is going on inside of me, does not on the surface look to be part of a spiritual awakening. it all started during the hostage taking portion of the meeting last night, you know, when the chair is trying to wrap up the meeting, and someone who has been oblivious and chatting all through the meeting chimes in and shares about absolutely nothing. during that disrespectful drivel about nothing, they said something that did stick with me, and is ringing in my ears this morning. they spoke of how “WE deserved all the gifts of recovery and NO consequences for our past behaviors.”
i kid you not. while that may be a paraphrase of their two minutes worth of disrespect, the word DESERVE was used numerous times. i look at the word deserve as a spiritual camouflage for entitlement. it is ironic, that someone with multiple decades of abstinence, would speak in such a manner, and the worst part of it is that they probably REALLY believe that. the lesson i took away form that little incident, is to call my sponse and let him know i am doing okay, and see how he is doing, as i NEVER want to reach a place where i believe i deserve anything. what i do believe i am entitled to, and yes deserve, is the opportunity to earn the gifts of recovery, by doing what those who have walked the path before me did. yes, that is correct. the opportunity to do the work, that brings the gifts. i believe that anyone who walks into the rooms, is entitled to my help in getting to the place where they see the opportunities before them and can choose to exercise them. just like no one ever has to ask what a newcomer that stops showing up has been doing, the gift of recovery, is ONLY for those who want it and more importantly are willing to do the work to get it. i am not entitled to be happy. i am not entitled to have my criminal record expunged. i am not entitled to have a job, a house, or even food in my belly. heck, i am not even entitled to have another day clean. i would challenge anyone to provide evidence to the contrary, as i can be open-minded and teachable enough to hear another side of that argument. what i am entitled to, however, is the chance to make the decision whether or not i will stay clean and the knowledge of how to make that happen. when i got clean, i thought the world and the fellowships owed me something, and coming through that other fellowship where they speak lovingly and quite fondly of some lofty promises, i see where that attitude of entitlement comes form. what is left unsaid, is the context that those promises are contained within. all the fellowship i live and work within says, is that if i do what they did, the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction, will be fulfilled. it is really hard to trade those explicit promise for something as vague as FREEDOM, but it is that FREEDOM, that gives me the opportunities to earn the food in my belly, a job that i love, loving and equal relationships and the peace of mind that i am on the correct path. the catch here, is that if i want that, i have to do what i can to allow those opportunities to be present in my life. i have to CHOOSE to stay clean. i have to ASK for the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and i have to be awake and present enough to do the next right thing as it comes barreling down the pike. there is no mystery, or secret sauce here, as it is all written down in plain English and wrapped in a tradition that broke from that other fellowship 60 years ago. while the is a common ancestry, the child, has far surpassed the parent in becoming more than was ever imagined when those first few desperate individuals, had the courage to grasp the opportunity to be something more than a collection of their symptoms and decided that they too, DESERVED the opportunity to start something of substance.
man, did i stray from the path this morning. i guess…
well i just will say, so long and thanks for all the fish, as it is time to head on over to grasp the opportunity to earn my daily bread.

∞ DT ∞