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or an unasked favor, i am grateful. that was not, however always the case, and it is quite easy for me to return to that manner of thinking. no, back in the day, this sort of scenario would have immediately brought up concerns about what they wanted from me, and the giver's ulterior motives. the whole calculus of what this gift was going to cost ME! a far cry from any sort of gratitude.
today, well i would certainly like to say, that i have no cynicism in these situations, but like some people's ethics, my cynicism is situational as well. as i deal with all sorts of people, in my professional life, in my social life, in my family life and of course in my recovery, which encompasses all of those other lives as well, a little bit of cynicism is not necessarily a bad thing. the whole point being, what is the nature of my relationship with this person, and how much do i trust them. there are some in recovery, who i view with a wary eye, knowing that like that beautiful horse full of Greeks, any gift or favor certainly does have a string attached. most of the people in my life, are more like me, in that they sincerely believe they are giving without any expectation of reward. there is that ideal, and most of time i fall way short of it. it is true, that i do not give favors and gifts as an insurance policy anymore. nor do i use favors and gifts to buy friendship and companionship. both of those behaviors have been gratefully retired to the dustbin of once upon a time. as i no longer engage in that behavior, i am more trusting of those who are in my life and as a consequence i am less cynical about the motives behind their gift-giving. with my reduced cynicism and diminished cost-benefit ratio analysis, i can gratefully accept what they are giving without tallying up what it will cost me in the future. as you can see, i can complicate the fVck out of all sorts of situations. which does remind me, i have a task to accomplish on my way to work today, so as much as i would like to go on about how Machiavellian i can be when it comes giving and receiving, i really need to start moving down the highway.
what am i grateful for right here and now? i am grateful that i have the ability to discern what i need to, and not necessarily be one of the sheeple. i am grateful that i need not whine about this or that, when i have the power to change this or that, as limited as it is. most of all i grateful that i have a clear mind and conscience today, and i can move forward into today without whining about what yesterday did or did not bring me. yes, i have times of troubles, but the solution is ALWAYS to get off my fat ass and do something, sitting at home moaning about how depressed i am, will avail nothing. life is…

∞ DT ∞