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a deep sense of bewilderment with life itself. when i was using, life was no mystery to me, it was all about getting high and making sure i could get high. any sense of mystery or not knowing about my life was quickly washed away with just what i needed. the more pressing the mystery, the bigger the dose, and inevitably the sense of bewilderment was relegated to the bit bucket and could at least put on the appearance of being happy, self-confident and self-assured, “pay no attention to the man behind the curtains, because i am the great and powerful…”
early recovery stripped away that particular coping mechanism, and i was, to say the least, more than a bit confused by life, buy people, and by how i was supposed to behave in any given situation, after all, i had spent the greater part of a quarter of a century in an altered state. confusing and bewildering as life was, my borrowed concept of a HIGHER POWER did little to relieve that, but deep within me, the kernel of what i came to know as the POWER that fuels my recovery, was beginning to sprout and take shape. as that process had a long way to go, i prayed as my sponsor prayed, as the members of the fellowship prayed, with THEEs, THOUs, THYs, and THINEs, groveling and abasing myself as a sign of true humility, and yet i never felt anything as i went through the motions. it took thirteen months of this sort of behavior before the POWER that fuels my recovery, began to take affect, and you know what, as much as i complain about that time spent, it was exactly what i needed. sometimes a negative example provides this addict the impetus to move forward in a constructive manner.
i know some of my peers believe that there was a POWER that spared them for some reason, and for them that is perfectly okay. me, i do not care. i know that i went through hell to finally arrive at the doors of the room, even though i had tricked myself to believe that i was living in heaven. just like the gluttons in the first level of hell that believe they are feasting on fine delicacies, when in actuality they are eating sh!t, literally. i however, digress.
as the sense of the POWER that fuels my recovery grew, i became altered in a manner that is beyond my ability to describe. my prayers and the manner i approached prayer was altered as a result and as i became aware and present, i saw that life may be unknowable, but it need not be bewildering. what i had to do is grow a bit of FAITH and practice the courage to live that FAITH, and things would work out the way they were supposed to, it was really just that simple.
well, today is the beginning of the end of a work era for me. yesterday i dropped the bomb, today it is time to sort through the rubble and give them what i can before i move along. i am certain that the POWER that fuels my recovery has provided me this opportunity and it is up to me top exercise this to the best of my ability, starting today! so it is off to the office i go.

∞ DT ∞