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underlying that, however, i felt a deep sense of bewilderment with life itself. what the program has given, among many other gifts, is some direction. that direction comes through the people i interact with on a daily basis and with whom i share my recovery, but they are NOT the source, they are the conduit. it took me a long time to realize that, and i still often shoot the messenger when i do not like what the message i am getting BUT, today i know that it is the POWER that fuels my recovery that is speaking, not him, her or it. case in point, the last object of my unbridled passionate anger. although i do not like that person any better today, i see what i am being told, finally, that if i CHOOSE to play games, i will end up isolated and alone. victory is not achievable and is actually undefined. my job is NOT to tolerate my manipulative, game-playing that is in my repertoire of comfortable and familiar behaviors and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove the need to do so. i said that way back when i first got all wound up and yet i ignored it and continued down a path of destructive waste. the lesson i have learned is not that someone else needs to be driven away, but i need to allow change to happen from within, through the loving care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. and yes Virginia there is a POWER that fuels my recovery, and it is not SANTA CLAUS.
getting back tot he point of the reading, i do understand that my way of asking for what i believe i NEED is through something called prayer. i really hate that term, and even today, at times it raises my hackles and i can feel the bile rising from within. it is not that i do not want to let the POWER that fuels my recovery, in on my thinking, the actually doing part of this communication process, it is the term in and of itself, most of the time i am quite okay with it, but other times there is this whole connotation of what i was taught prayer is, a supplicant request for assistance. i have no problem with the assistance part, as there are many things far beyond my limited human power, and even things with in my power that i do not mind a helping hand with. it is the supplicant part, it implies to me grovelling and begging, instead of asking, and i was taught that i was not good enough to ask directly so i had to another human do the asking for me. so when i go there i NEED to remember that is garbage from my past, what i once believe no longer NEEDS to rule my life. just like my misplaced passion, i can CHOOSE today when to wallow in the garbage and when to throw it out, today i CHOOSE to throw it out and ask that POWER as the junior partner in this relationship to help me sort out a few other things that are weighing on my mind.
good thing, i have the time and most importantly the DESIRE to run this morning, as that ALWAYS helps clear my mind of the sludge of self-will and its consequences. it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to hit the streets running for the first time in two months. i WILL find a way to add this activity back into my life, but as the saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles starts with that first step. so into the glorious fall morning i go.

∞ DT ∞