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concede to my innermost self that i am powerless over addiction, i have taken a big step in my recovery. denial. for me anyhow, has always been a tricky thing. when i was using, i could rationalize away the most amazing piles of bullshit, with a wave of my hands. in fact, denial kept me from accepting that i was an addict and needed recovery for the first eighteen months of my clean time. when reality finally broke through that wall, and it took a jackhammer experience to do just that, i was left hopeless and dopeless for the very first time in my life, since i picked up that very first time. as i walk this path today, i DO need to be reminded that no matter how many days in a row comprise my minute clean, i am still one use away from going down the path of active addiction, once again.
as i am still trying to figure out my new morning routine, i started this before i did my PT exercises and as a result, had a second to pause and consider where i might be going, when i cam back to pounding this out. denial is the constant enemy of any one who chooses to be in recovery. as generalized as that statement is, and i have stated more than once that i detest painting myself and my peers with a broad brush, in my experience it is an honest assessment of the state of the world. when i was diagnosed with melanoma this summer, i certainly told myself that i had permission to use, as i was certainly going to die, anyhow, so what was the point of staying clean. there was no subtlety in that moment and had it not been for more than a modicum of pride and the fact i have come to enjoy my life as it is, i would have happily tripped off to the nearest dispensary for a perfectly legal substance to start my decline back into active addiction. just a little dab will do me!
i did, however, paint my peers with that broad brushstroke and i have the experience of watching men who have called me their sponsor, slide back in a similar manner. on of those gents, desperately wanted to be anything but an addict and sought out a diagnosis, to explain his incessant need to get high. once he got that and the meds that are used to “control” his diagnoses, he believed he was good to go. he left recovery and set off on his own. six months ago, i got a txt from him, talking about his mental health and the changes in his life that manifest all sorts of symptoms. yesterday, he owned up to using for the past six months, almost losing everything and asking me to sponsor him once again. whether or not he has actual mental health issues or not, the fact was he talked himself into believing he was not an addict and now he is back.
i am certainly ready and willing to work with any addict who wants to stay clean, whether or not their desire is “honest” or not. i have to listen to the void and feel my way into this situation, so that once he feels “better” i have a foil to his denial. i know i cannot keep anyone clean or fight their battles against denial. what i can do, is hopefully instill in them the will to be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean, live a program of recovery and find the ways and means to move forward. just for today, i am grateful that i did not use three months ago and have continued to be a part of my recovery battle against my denial.

∞ DT ∞