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is certainly an apt metaphor for my life in active addiction and even when i was merely abstinent. as i have clearly stated time and again, i am not one of those **GOD** kind of guys and i even though i once evangelized about finding a spiritual path, these days i find that allowing others to find their own way leads to a far better outcome. after all, it took me fifteen years after i got clean to find my way off that trackless waste and onto a path that fits me “like a glove.” i do engage in a bit of hyperbole by implying i spent fifteen years clean wandering without direction, when in actuality the direction i took from my peers, closed-mouth friends and sponsor was to keep seeking and in the mean time act “as if” i had FAITH in the most common form of a HIGHER POWER found in my local fellowship. although that path kept me clean, in the long run i certainly needed to let go of what i thought my HIGHER POWER “had” to look like.
with that ginormous caveat out of the way, i can tread down the path of what i heard as i sat and listened this morning. my life, such as it right here and right now, does follow a direction, but certainly not one that is mapped out in any detail. i may make a decision on a daily basis to ask the POWER that fuels my recovery for the power to stay clean. i accept that power and use it to do my best to live a program of active recovery. what i do not “get” no matter how well i “listen” is a road map for the day ahead. i “know” my job is to be present for what happens and to decide to grab the opportunities that come my way. that trackless waste, is certainly far from empty anymore, and i can see more than one path across that landscape. the trick for me, is how do i choose which one to follow. what i heard this morning, was to have FAITH and stop overthinking the fVck and allow myself to feel the correct direction to go. i mean, after all, what is the worst thing that could happen? i might not get what i want and as a result be afforded yet another opportunity for growth.
as i step out into this cool, gray, autumnal morning, i have to allow myself the freedom to listen for my response to the letter my jail sponsee sent me. i can also let go of the direction i think i “need” to provide for him and see what the POWER that fuels my recovery, puts on my heart. 10 kilometers is ample time for me to consider what is and what needs to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞