๐ฑ honesty ๐ต
Posted: Mon, Oct 16, 2023 07:27:57 AM
versus denial*s fancy footwork.i have to admit, i had to take a minute to figure out how to get started pounding this out. not that i have any issues with honesty or any illusions about the tricks of the trade i use to foster my denial, i just could not generate a snappy comeback to grab the attention of my patient readers. as i am on day two of my injured reserve status, my stomach is letting me know it is time to cut back on the non steroidal anti-inflammatory medications, even if i still have pain. as ironic as it may seem, from someone coming from active addiction, where mental and spiritual pain was a daily affair, i have always ignored physical pain by denying it was real and chastising myself for not being “man” to handle it. these days, i work through the emotional and spiritual pain i occasionally feel and address my physical pain head on, by seeking medical advice and actually following their direction. right now that means time off from meeting my daily fitness goals. 😭 😭 😭
when it comes to recovery from addiction, i wish i could say that i am always on board with total honesty about when and where it rears its ugly head. the fact is, one of the tricks of my trade: “hiding in plain sight and gaslighting” are often used against me. by that part of me i call addiction. that part tells me over and over again that after a minute clean, perhaps i do not need the fellowship or its practices anymore. the argument continues, that this or that was never really an issue and an hour or so in a “vacation” from reality would really not hurt anyone, after all, am i not strong enough in my recovery to have a bit of a “slip” and get right back on the bandwagon? the truth? HELL NO, i am not that strong, i admit to my inner core, that i am powerless over addiction and to succumb to its siren call would certainly lead to a spiritual death. at the very least. i am unwilling to play that game and as a result, i have to be honest with why i think i may need such a “vacation.”
the reality is that reality is not as smooth as i would like. i am less than pleased to still be working at sixty-six and a half years old. i do not want to be sitting on the sidelines for the next 6 to 13 days. the list goes on and on and on. the facts are that i am cared for and loved. i have deep and abiding relationships within the fellowship and i am learning how to be a better participant in my family relationships. the most important part of all of this, is the relationship i am building with myself. i may end up being a bit self-deprecating when i make a mistake or three on a daily basis, BUT, i no longer dwell in that house and if i chose to take a dip into a substance or three, that would start the cycle of shame all over again, and i am better than playing that game today.
i may not be able to get out for miles and miles of exercise, but i can get the dawg out for fifteen minutes around the 'hood and see how my injured limb feels after a bit of work. i know mentally and emotionally, doing what is correct for me in a physical sense will only foster my goal of being on the top of Africa in January, and for this addict, that is impetus enough to take it easy. 😁
when it comes to recovery from addiction, i wish i could say that i am always on board with total honesty about when and where it rears its ugly head. the fact is, one of the tricks of my trade: “hiding in plain sight and gaslighting” are often used against me. by that part of me i call addiction. that part tells me over and over again that after a minute clean, perhaps i do not need the fellowship or its practices anymore. the argument continues, that this or that was never really an issue and an hour or so in a “vacation” from reality would really not hurt anyone, after all, am i not strong enough in my recovery to have a bit of a “slip” and get right back on the bandwagon? the truth? HELL NO, i am not that strong, i admit to my inner core, that i am powerless over addiction and to succumb to its siren call would certainly lead to a spiritual death. at the very least. i am unwilling to play that game and as a result, i have to be honest with why i think i may need such a “vacation.”
the reality is that reality is not as smooth as i would like. i am less than pleased to still be working at sixty-six and a half years old. i do not want to be sitting on the sidelines for the next 6 to 13 days. the list goes on and on and on. the facts are that i am cared for and loved. i have deep and abiding relationships within the fellowship and i am learning how to be a better participant in my family relationships. the most important part of all of this, is the relationship i am building with myself. i may end up being a bit self-deprecating when i make a mistake or three on a daily basis, BUT, i no longer dwell in that house and if i chose to take a dip into a substance or three, that would start the cycle of shame all over again, and i am better than playing that game today.
i may not be able to get out for miles and miles of exercise, but i can get the dawg out for fifteen minutes around the 'hood and see how my injured limb feels after a bit of work. i know mentally and emotionally, doing what is correct for me in a physical sense will only foster my goal of being on the top of Africa in January, and for this addict, that is impetus enough to take it easy. 😁
∞ DT ∞