Blog entry for:

not only did i seem to be lost i actually was, and the ironic part of my whole life was that i did not even know how lost i truly was!
prayer is a way to gain direction in life and the power to follow that direction. of course the last thing i wanted to do when i finally made the spiritual jump into admitting that i might just actually have a problem with using, was adding all that religious superstitious bullshit; prayer, GOD, submission, and humility were concepts i was going to have nothing to do with, PERIOD, NO WAY, OVER MY PAINFULLY STIFF DEAD BODY! that attitude has created one of the greatest gifts i have ever received in recovery. however, the reading today is about developing a connection, not tolerance and acceptance, at least in my (not so) humble opinion. so what was it like then and what is it like for me now. well developing the willingness and open-mindedness to actually look for more than i could see sprang from the desperation i was feeling about not being to stop using, no matter how hard i tried. i finally accepted that if i honestly wanted to stop even just for today, even for this hour, even for this minute, i was going to have to learn how to find a different way to look at myself, and the world around me. i was going to have to (CRINGE) submit to a spiritual manner of living and allow (Double CRINGE) another man to show me how he does this whole gig. and what that man made me do was to get down on my knees, at my bedside, every morning and night and attempt ask " whatever is out there " to keep me clean for this twenty-four hours and i had to ask for the whole twenty-four, because in my active addiction i had accumulated friends and associates who would get me high in my sleep. pardon the digression, anyhow form that little bit of willingness has sprung a desire to maintain and develop my connection to the divine, through prayer and meditation as suggested by the eleventh step. what do i ask for today? well i still ask for the power to stay clean for the next twenty-four hours even though the chances of getting high in my sleep have been reduced to practically zero these days. i also add " open my mind so i can HEAR AND UNDERSTAND YOUR will for me, open my heart so i can find the COURAGE to act on that knowledge."
simply elegant, at least for this addict, and i am ready to get on with my day. so off i go!

∞ DT ∞