๐ sometimes, though, ๐
Posted: Fri, May 29, 2026 11:25:13 AM
the rewards of recovery might seem minimal or feel like they are taking forever to arrive. in fact the longer i stay clean, it feels as if i have reached the point of diminishing returns a while ago. yes the desire to use has been removed, i have the ability to respond, rather than react and i can practice a spiritual principle or three on a daily basis, BUT i do not seem to be getting any better. when i get to this point i have to remember a bit of advance math, limits and asymptotes to be exact. as my recovery goes to infinity, i get closer and closer to the line of being recovered, but i never reach that line and yes, i never will. when i fall back into accepting hat as fact, then my disappointment at my incremental, seemingly nonexistent growth fades to black.
i can that today, i am tired of the medical profession, as i have had more than one appointment and have been poked, prodded, bled and imaged. i know that i am not a victim in this matter, as i scheduled this week out to get everything taken care of, medically. even so, that does not make it without frustration or complaint. i choose to be a patient because i am choosing to live my life as fully as possible and for me knowledge of what is going on inside of me is worth the brief inconvenience of seeing all of my “ologists.” i know my parents were unconcerned about their state of aging and although they had many healthy years in them after they reached their seventies, they made life style choices that did little to enhance their health. as i am at the door step of my seventies, i want to do things a bit differently. i want to be vital and active and not fade into a chair with a remote in hand, watching TV. that too may be a function with an asymptote that i can never reach.
as i sat this morning, after a week of early mornings i did feel a bit of gratitude that i had achieved something this week. i ran an 10K race and came in at 18th place for my age group. i managed my medical cadence and i still had some time to enjoy a life clean. at this stage of my recovery, it is important that i look for the little things, as there are probably not a whole lot of tectonic shifts or major “GOD shots” coming down the pike for me. the fact that after decades clean i can look for the subtle parts of what recovery brings me, is almost as delicious as the rewards, but where the fuck is my lifetime achievement award? 😜
i can that today, i am tired of the medical profession, as i have had more than one appointment and have been poked, prodded, bled and imaged. i know that i am not a victim in this matter, as i scheduled this week out to get everything taken care of, medically. even so, that does not make it without frustration or complaint. i choose to be a patient because i am choosing to live my life as fully as possible and for me knowledge of what is going on inside of me is worth the brief inconvenience of seeing all of my “ologists.” i know my parents were unconcerned about their state of aging and although they had many healthy years in them after they reached their seventies, they made life style choices that did little to enhance their health. as i am at the door step of my seventies, i want to do things a bit differently. i want to be vital and active and not fade into a chair with a remote in hand, watching TV. that too may be a function with an asymptote that i can never reach.
as i sat this morning, after a week of early mornings i did feel a bit of gratitude that i had achieved something this week. i ran an 10K race and came in at 18th place for my age group. i managed my medical cadence and i still had some time to enjoy a life clean. at this stage of my recovery, it is important that i look for the little things, as there are probably not a whole lot of tectonic shifts or major “GOD shots” coming down the pike for me. the fact that after decades clean i can look for the subtle parts of what recovery brings me, is almost as delicious as the rewards, but where the fuck is my lifetime achievement award? 😜
∞ DT ∞