Blog entry for:

that the love of my HIGHER POWER
has always been present in my life is still a difficult concept for me to wrap my amazing magnifying mind around. coming from the spiritual depths of my active addiction and the derisive attitude i had about the whole ‘ releigion trip ’, this is not to be unexpected. i could cite verse and chapter of all the evidence i had that if any sort of HIGHER POWER even existed, it was cruel and capricious, after all look at how i got here. the evidence as seen by that person was not interpreted as evidence of love or care, rather punishment and humiliation.
today, after a few days being around a spiritual program i can reexamine that evidence and actually see that i was being saved to recover. the signs that my addiction was killing me and causing damage around me had been present long before i even considered that i may have a problem with using drugs. that i did not die of an overdose, falling to my death while free-climbing, or in an auto accident can be seen today as evidence that i was not being punished, but being spared. the fact that i lived to see my fortieth birthday is itself evidence that something was protecting me from the terminal consequences of my disease. things could have been much worse and would have if not for a piece od divine intervention more than once during the fifteen months between the event that brought me to recovery and my original surrender to the program that has given me a new life.
many of my friends in the program do not understand how i got recovery and continue to move ahead in my program. when i say it was still working for me when i got here, i am not lying. when i look at that creature who walked into the rooms with his tail between his legs, even i sometimes fail to see how desperate he really was. the truth is that i was just as desperate as someone who has lost everything, i just did not believe it then, so i did what i was told and the miracle of recovery took over. the love of my HIGHER POWER that had always been there finally became apparent to me, and the chain of events that led to my ultimate surrender was the easier, softer way. when i recall my using career it is very easy for my to gloss over and even forget the chances i took, the places i went, and the potentially fatal combinations of substances and events that ruled my using life. instead i seem to focus on the fact that i could still get what i always did when i used -- relief from feelings and dealing with the real world.
cleaning the lens of my memory, and remembering what i really felt and did, provides the evidence that i was spared to find this new life by a loving and caring HIGHER POWER. for reasons yet to be revealed. and that realization fills me with a sense of gratitude today for the love that has always been there.
∞ DT ∞