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of our meetings. that message? that an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. and yes, i am as apt as my peers to share the mess rather than that message.
just for the record, i have become one of those who does not share at every single meeting i attend. the fact is, i rarely share outside of my home group and often go weeks without opening my mouth at a regularly scheduled meeting. i do attend 3 or 4 meetings a week, call one of my peers daily and write this blob of mind dump, so perhaps i am doing enough. i certainly do not feel the need to share screaming inside of me, trying to rip its way out through my chest, like some sort of alien being that i have incubated to maturity.
do i judge others by what they share. do you want me to lie here and no way, never, i am much better than that? yes, of course i do, as do most of my peers, if they were truly being honest. me knowing that is the case, and for me it certainly is, i have to be very careful that i do not allow my judgements to take hold and become opinions or beliefs. i may always be judgmental, and in fact i may never actually want to be rid of it. what i can be rid of, is the transformation of a spot judgement into something more. i can certainly see, that spot judgements have saved my a$$, more than once, but spot judgements becoming part of a belief structure, nearly killed me.
in meetings, when i open my mouth, it used to be a piece of performance art, playing to the audience, for giggles, gasps or any kind of emotional reaction, and i was more than adequate to elicit some sort of emotional response from my audience. my next phase of sharing, was all about me. what judgement, opinion or feeling did i need to spew forth, and how fast could i get it out, wrapped up in a nice neat package of spiritual camouflage. neither of those motives are entirely gone, but today i share more what i am feeling and sometimes that fulfills both of those simmering ulterior motives. whether or not it does or does not, i try and remember that i have some days, and looking at my life from this vantage point is certainly different that when i was just a recovery pup. like it or not, clean time, especially as it stretches towards larger than average numbers, does earn me a bit of respect, and it is up to me, to provide the best example of what it is like to have the gift of spiritual abundance that recovery has given me.
the day wears on, and i need to be into work a bit early today, so as i walk through today, i will remember who and what i am, and live up top the ideals that my program of recovery advocates, it is after all a great day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞