๐ carry the mess ๐
Posted: Mon, Dec 18, 2017 07:59:45 AM
or carrying the message, that is entirely up to me.
it seems that i am better at remembering significant dates, a day later than on the actual date. seven years and one day ago, i was allowed the privilege of ending the life of my dawg, Odin, who taught me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, and who was my very foirst intimate relationship in recovery. at times, i wondered why the fVck i would put myself through the process of raising a dawg from a pup. there were other times, when he chewed one thing or another, where i was quite certain it was time for him to find a new boy. in the long run though, he gave me much more than i could ever give him and on this day seven years ago, i wrote my tribute to him. Odin was my first experience, in learning how to love someone, because of who they were, warts and all, not despite them.
as painful as remembering who he was and what he meant to me, it seems that not all that much has changed in my world. i still suppress the feelings that i label as “bad,” such as sadness and grief, as evidenced by the two anniversaries that i lived right past, this month. it is not that i consciously want avoid those feelings, or at least that is what i tell myself, nevertheless i find myself doing just that, not feeling, not remembering and not owning that i might have feelings that need to be felt. yesterday i was all about DESIRE, winning and making deals with myself. well i lost and so i am good to go on my side of that bargain. i knew i was a bit out of sorts and i thought it was because i was on the verge of imploding in my fantasy football league which indeed did happen. most of what i felt and am feeling today, is fond memories of my first companion in this recovery journey, and what i did at the very end. i chose to have him filled with a lethal combination of drugs, none of this “rainbow bridge” or “putting to sleep” dodges for this addict. no i made a choice to have his life ended, because i could choose that moment, so he did not have to go alone, in pain, while there was no one there to hold his head as his world ended.it was a kindness for him and for me as well, he went off with his boy holding his head, in the comfort of his home, on his bed, and not one bit of that do i regret. so now i am crying as a feeling or two is unleashed.
before i get any more maudlin, i think i will move along.
the message in this, is that i do recover. i can let go of my selfish motives and when the time is right, make hard and terribly painful decisions that i would like to avoid forever, preferring to have things work themselves out. i can feel the pain of loss, and still go on, without having to change the way i feel. moving forward into my day, is certainly the next right thing, and remembering my friend, my companion is certainly not a bad task to add to the stack for today. it is a good day to be clean and although i am not certain what it is i will share this evening, i will do my best to remember the message and not the mess.
it seems that i am better at remembering significant dates, a day later than on the actual date. seven years and one day ago, i was allowed the privilege of ending the life of my dawg, Odin, who taught me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, and who was my very foirst intimate relationship in recovery. at times, i wondered why the fVck i would put myself through the process of raising a dawg from a pup. there were other times, when he chewed one thing or another, where i was quite certain it was time for him to find a new boy. in the long run though, he gave me much more than i could ever give him and on this day seven years ago, i wrote my tribute to him. Odin was my first experience, in learning how to love someone, because of who they were, warts and all, not despite them.
as painful as remembering who he was and what he meant to me, it seems that not all that much has changed in my world. i still suppress the feelings that i label as “bad,” such as sadness and grief, as evidenced by the two anniversaries that i lived right past, this month. it is not that i consciously want avoid those feelings, or at least that is what i tell myself, nevertheless i find myself doing just that, not feeling, not remembering and not owning that i might have feelings that need to be felt. yesterday i was all about DESIRE, winning and making deals with myself. well i lost and so i am good to go on my side of that bargain. i knew i was a bit out of sorts and i thought it was because i was on the verge of imploding in my fantasy football league which indeed did happen. most of what i felt and am feeling today, is fond memories of my first companion in this recovery journey, and what i did at the very end. i chose to have him filled with a lethal combination of drugs, none of this “rainbow bridge” or “putting to sleep” dodges for this addict. no i made a choice to have his life ended, because i could choose that moment, so he did not have to go alone, in pain, while there was no one there to hold his head as his world ended.it was a kindness for him and for me as well, he went off with his boy holding his head, in the comfort of his home, on his bed, and not one bit of that do i regret. so now i am crying as a feeling or two is unleashed.
before i get any more maudlin, i think i will move along.
the message in this, is that i do recover. i can let go of my selfish motives and when the time is right, make hard and terribly painful decisions that i would like to avoid forever, preferring to have things work themselves out. i can feel the pain of loss, and still go on, without having to change the way i feel. moving forward into my day, is certainly the next right thing, and remembering my friend, my companion is certainly not a bad task to add to the stack for today. it is a good day to be clean and although i am not certain what it is i will share this evening, i will do my best to remember the message and not the mess.
∞ DT ∞