Blog entry for:

is not what i really want when i attend a meeting of my fellowship. examples of insanity in the lives of my peers, when shared out loud and in the open, encourages me to do the same. when my peers share their struggles, even if it is battling the demons of addiction, i feel connected to them and more likely to allow myself to be more vulnerable. when my peers share the “yippy-skippy” version about how great life is today, i often wonder what it is that they are trying to cover up. the message i was taught to share was the HOPE of finding a new life to live, even if that “new” manner of living is far from some fairy tale “happily ever after.” the facts of my life are still quite messy and i still have feelings of inadequacy and being worried about being judged by those who surround me. that is just the way it is, for me to deny that diminishes the phrase that i am grateful to be clean and practicing an active program of recovery, that becomes the HUGE caveat that i am quite sure even the newest of the new can see right through.
as i sit here this morning obsessing about Fantasy Football wondering what i “need” to ensure moving on to the next round of play-offs, i realize that in the BIG picture of my life, those concerns are probably the least of my concerns and may actually be distracting me from something i may “need” to see. although winning seven hundred dollars would certainly be nice, i am not sure that putting my life on hold to work over my line-up to eke out one more point, is really worth it. i know that i have friends and peers who attach far too much importance to this activity and have once again decided they need to leave it in the dust, as they are once again out of the play-offs, so be it. for me, it is something to share and enjoy and yes even get a bit obsessive about and in two weeks it will be all over.
today is also the anniversary of the death of my companion Odin. twelve years ago, i helped send him on his way to a pain free existence. thinking about him and the impact he made on my recovery, still brings tears to me eyes. i learned how to give and accept love by raising him from a pup and the joke i often tell is that i prayed for someone to love and ended up getting a puppy, so i had to learn to be careful for which i prayed. of course, that was when i was coming to a place to actually seek a POWER greater than myself but was unwilling to let go of what i thought my peers might say, if i strayed out of the lines. 🤯 those days are long gone, but Odin remains in my heart and today, in my head as i dress out and hit the streets for my weekly 10K. yes i am clean today. yes my life is not the mess it once was. and yes, i have found a manner of living without the use of drugs, just for today.

∞ DT ∞