Blog entry for:

do not know how to share! more than once, over the course of my recovery, i have heard those words come tumbling out of my mouth. some of the time, i whine, complain and sit silently building a resentment towards a meeting and everyone who is in the room. i then consider whether or not i should 𔄬grace” that meeting with my presence, after all, do they not realize who i am? as ridiculous as that may sound, i am still apt to fall into that trap and end up hating on myself, for hating on all of them. a self-made storm of angst that never ends well for me, until i stop, take a breath and look at the real problem and make the necessary adjustments.
for me, there is a part of me, that wonders if, after decades clean, one really needs to be involved in the fellowship at all. the desire to use, left me long ago and until my journey into the heart of darkness that made me face my nicotine dependence, i was fairly certain that there were no “big deals,” for me to face. what i have come to discover is that i really do need my peers, even if the support i ask for is quite limited, the fact that they are there and do not appear to judge me for my human frailties, is comforting. when i choose to look past my “issues” with what they share, i get a sense of belonging to something more. life is a little bit less cold and cruel and my self-pitying whines will only serve the part of me i call addiction and i laying the ground work for me to think that maybe, just maybe, i “got this.”
i have made a recent change to the Monday meeting i am attending. i tell myself it is because after meeting with one of the men that chooses to call me their sponsor, it is too late to drive up the canyon to the mountain meeting. the fact is, i needed yet another change and needed to reconnect with the fellowship where i got clean. over the years, i have drifted away, for one reason or another, mostly because i did not want to drive the fifteen miles or so to go to “those” meetings. listening to my peers, complain about what someone else shares and my reaction to hearing that, certainly drove what i heard this morning, that maybe the “mess” is all i can hear, because i am not open-minded enough to actually hear the message they are carrying. as i step out to do a bit of exercise this morning, i am struck with a sense of maybe, after all, nothing is f*cked after all.

∞ DT ∞