Blog entry for:

carrying the message provides consistency; addicts can count on this fellowship.
of course, this morning anyhow, what others happen to be sharing about in meetings is the farthest thing from my mind. entitlement is what popped up this morning after a less than satisfactory interaction with one of my peers. i could go on about what happened but to what end, what the end result was, i was the object of the ire of someone else because they failed to follow through.
life is like that, and i am certainly a well practiced magician of that Jedi mind trick, blaming anyone or anything else for failure to do what i need to do. i hate owning that i did not take the steps necessary to secure the outcome i desired, so when the inevitable happens, i usually get ticked off, with whatever messenger happens to be rolling around in my line of sight. after all, do they not know who the fVck i am?!
yes, bad behaviors still pervade my everyday life, and like gnats, that incessant buzzing and my inability to shoo them away, bugs the crap out of me. i want to be all spiritual, own what is mine, let go of what is not. i want to walk a path where everything i do, is because i have higher motives or i am acting in accordance of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i want to be all things to everyone, and it is that set of desires that drives many of my less than stellar behaviors. and so it goes…
so how do i share about this kind of notions at a meeting? see, i bet you thought i had dropped that particular topic off into the black hole of the bit bucket. it certainly goes beyond just not using today. and far, far beyond the “any day clean is a miracle,” meme that some of my peers always share about, so is it an appropriate topic to broach at a meeting? based on a light interpretation of the daily reading, i would say not so much. HOWEVER, i am coming to see, that the stuff i struggle with at this point in my recovery, a few days in a row clean, is certainly something that perhaps the FNG wants to hear. all these sweetness and light if one just hold s on shares are great, but i remember how false they started to sound to me after about the first fifteen times i sat through those sort of meetings. it is true, that i wanted to be different, and was looking for something anything to get kicked out of the groups, especially finding absolutely no intellectual meat at those tables. was i really that much different than those who are arriving at the doors of our meetings today? i would venture a guess, and say probably not. they like me, want encouragement, but more than likely they want to hear more about what life looks like after the desire to use has been removed and less about the agony of perpetual relapse.
or at least that is how i see it. so will i go to a meeting tonight and defecate on the table, leaving my sh!t out for everyone to peruse? no, you can count on that, but i just may call another addict and talk to them, after all the therapeutic value…

∞ DT ∞