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and why in the world i choose to do so is not a question for the ages, although at times, it may feel like one, at least for me. the **how** part is pretty straight forward, i learned to live a program of active recovery. the **why** part is probably more revealing and is certainly worth exploring.
yesterday, i had the opportunity to get to a “live” meeting and speak with a newcomer. they spoke of being “around” the program for nine years and the angst of once again losing everything and coming back. i let them know that the “relapse guy ” is not a service position and as we spoke after the meeting it was quite clear to me, that they knew the “why” they kept going out but lacked the knowledge of the “how” to stay around and get what many of us have found: FREEDOM from active addiction and a new manner in which to live.
i am terrible at gauging the willingness of one of my peers to learn how to live the program and am apt to dismiss their efforts when they fail to do so, time after time, after time after time. that is just one of my shortcomings and one that has grown over the days i have been clean. the reason i keep coming back is, that for me, this stuff works. the gifts of recovery mimic the “American Dream,” for me. i have more of everything than i ever thought i would be capable of amassing, way back when. in fact i had resolved myself to live near the bottom and spending a life in the semi-bliss of getting high, every single day. if living a program was just about not using, i would have left a long, long time ago, as i have been clean for decades now. so the “why” has to go much deeper than that.
when i take an inventory of what i am today, yes i know part of that FOURTH STEP that still needs writing, i see that recovery has transformed me into a person who is a part of this world and wants more out of life than what he can beg, borrow or steal from anyone else. what was not possible for this addict, to give and receive love, when he walked into the rooms, is now part of my daily life. i have people in my life that will care for me, when i am unable to care for myself and i am not related by blood to many of them. i also am willing and able to care for them, when they are down and out, emotionally, spiritually and physically. as a result i “get” to be more of the person i never believed i could be or was worth being.
just for today, i can state i stay because i am getting what i need and even more importantly what i need, even if i do not recognize that fact, in the here and now. when that stops happening, then maybe it might be time for me to go, until that day arrives, however, it is as many of my peers shave stated in the past, a good day to be clean and living a program that allows me to be so much more.

∞ DT ∞