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but they tend to carry the mess more than the message. as i sit here this morning, after my second late night this week i have been pondering the meaning of a lot of things, among which is life the universe and everything. it has been quite a week and although i have done much to take care of myself, there are still one or two things starting to nag at me, that if i do not come to accept them will lead to a lessening of my already fragile serenity level.
okay, that is a bit of a mess, or perhaps false pride. my serenity level is actually no more or less than any other recovering than that of any other recovering addict, it just is, and that level is n constant flux as i deal with the daily travails of life on its own terms. the message i heard this morning, and the one i am carrying forth, is that it is up to me, to foster a sense of recovery in meetings by what and how i share. i like regaling others with me life during wartime tales, and in certain instances they are probably the best way to reach someone who may believe that they are unique and that the program cannot possibly work for them. i also understand that i need to share that there is HOPE for any addict who chooses to surrender totally to the program, and that the gifts that life offers, that active addiction precludes, can be theirs for the asking. so when i share i NEED to balance those two messages -- the insanity and the hope. i know of other members who share for the newcomer and that works for them. me, i share for me, and use what i say to present a balance of what i was like and what i am becoming. honestly, even though i hang with newcomers, attend meetings where newcomers outnumber members with any time, i am clueless about what it is like to be a newcomer anymore. those days are behind me, and if i continue to do my utmost best to live a life of active recovery, those days never again have to be a part of my story. so the message i have to offer is that there is more to life and more to recovery than the misery of those first few months clean. that the gifts i have been given were beyond anything i could imagine. most importantly of all, the reward i get each and every day for staying clean and living a program of recovery, is that i get to choose tomorrow if i still want to be clean and do it all over again. for me, that is reward enough and that is the message i carry today -- I AM NOT PREDESTINED TO USE AGAIN, even though i am just as much an addict as the day i walked into the rooms and finally surrendered to the program.
time to take a walk and loosen my stiff back, removing the glacier from the street in front of my house yesterday, has taken its toll, and the time has come for me to deal with that also. so me and the dawg are going for a long one today! it is a good day to be clean and have the choice to live the program.

∞ DT ∞