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look at how and what i share. i really hate when i anticipate the reading by a day, as it was only yesterday that i was whining about having to find my balance when one or more of my peers shared at the last meeting i attended. i have heard enough of the **mess** to last a life time, and have shared enough of that across the course of my recovery, to be well-qualified in what i do not need to share. i also have been guilty of the infamous bumper-sticker share, where i share nothing that is really happening inside of me, and string together a chain of clichés, bon mots and slogans. last but not least the “can you top this,” where i was the baddest and worst addict in all existence. as i said when i started enough of the mess to qualify as an expert. these days, i find myself quietly sitting in a room doing my best to shut down the judgement machine and glean something relevant from what is being shared, even when it seems to be wrapped up in the mess.
the ‘mess’age that i have heard since i first got clean, is that an addict, ANY addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way of living. i may have heard the message, but it took a bit of time to sink in and for me to figure out what exactly that meant to me. i have the desire to carry that message as it applies to me, without having to use any of the various wrappers i described above. the fact is, i am human and have yet to have my character defects removed. i have not achieved any sort of recovery guru status in my fellowship, nor am i likely to get “level up” any time soon. i know that i whine about falling into bouts of self-deprecation and false humility, way more than i need to. i also know that when i share the “real” in some meetings, the room seems to get real quiet afterwards. that feeds the lie that i am not capable of connecting with my peers and if i am going to share, i will need to go back to the “bumper stickers,” after all there is no shame in parroting the “party line.” to hear the sound of my own voice in a meeting.
i have all day to allow what i am feeling to sink in and when i go to a meeting tonight, perhaps i will be able to carry the message of my fellowship, based in my experience, strength and hope. i know that this little exercise releases all sorts of stress, as here i do not care who i offend or how often i may do so. just for today, perhaps i can allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the material i need to share with my peers. even for an addict of my description, there is always HOPE for more growth.

∞ DT ∞