Blog entry for:

how i stay here through practicing the Twelve Steps, i share the real message of recovery.
honestly, this morning i was blindsided by some feelings of grief as i went to see what i used as my topic for my blog a year ago. it was a year and a day ago, that i had to allow my canine companion of 11 years to pass from this world. i knew i was close to that anniversary but did not realize it had come and gone, until i read my blog from a year ago. i read my entry, experienced those feelings once again and realized that even though we have a new dawg in the house, she cannot take the place in my heart that is and will continue to belong to Odin. it demonstrates to me, that i do have the capacity to love, way beyond what i thought i believed and that i am not as broken as i thought i still was. so yes i cried again this morning, and yes i still the loss of a year ago, BUT those emotions have been tempered by time. they exist, but they no longer overwhelm me and most importantly i stayed clean through that experience a year ago, even when the part of me i call addiction screamed to have those feelings numbed away by something, anything!
returning to the topic at hand, while seeming like a distraction, is exactly where i am today. i went through that pain and loss, without using BECAUSE i have the grace of recovery. i GET that grace by working a program of active recovery on a daily basis. that gig, for me, includes living the steps every single day, you know personal inventory, prayer and meditation and carrying the message, as well as admitting i am powerless over addiction, i believing that i can be restored to sanity and surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i do none of that perfectly, that is why on top of all of that i have to go to meetings, work the 12 STEPS with a sponsor and serve the fellowship that has given me the FREEDOM i have today. FREEDOM you ask, what FREEDOM? i ask that question myself. i have bills, responsibilities and am tied to to a program that changes me and my life in ways that are far beyond my ken. the FREEDOM i get, is to become a person that i would never have dreamed possible all those days ago, the FREEDOM i get, is to feel what i NEED to feel and survive those feelings. T=the FREEDOM i get, is to able to walk away from people and situations that are not healthy for me. the FREEDOM i have earned through the rigorous application of the basics is a gift that i cannot ever express enough gratitude for, on any given day. words are far from adequate to express that gratitude, so as the reading suggests, the path to that expression is through sharing my life with those who around me.
being afraid is something i am used to, but as i continue to walk that path, i have discovered that FEAR is just another feeling, that i need to acknowledge and feel, then move on. whether that means doing something new, or doing something old in a new way. or just doing something, it is all the same, FEAR will not kill me, reacting to FEAR by using will. what i have i learned over the past year? that all living beings will die, and that sometimes the next right thing to do, is to take an active hand in helping that transition complete. that life is a never ending series of changes and it is up to me, to do what i can to accept and adapt to those changes. most importantly that my capacity to love has not yet been reached, and perhaps despite my greatest fears tit never will be reached. so off to the showers so i can get on with my day and perhaps get my desk cleared before Tebow time this afternoon. it is a great daay to be clean and yes even shed more than a tear or two for the loss i still feel.

∞ DT ∞