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and what i share at meetings can either contribute significantly to this effort or detract greatly. the choice, and the responsibility, is mine. after witnessing a melt-down puke at the meeting the other night, from a newcomer who has **been around** the program for some time, i feel that i have been shirking my responsibility of late. somehow she got the notion that she was entitled to certain things from from the member of the fellowship was angry that she was not. i mention this not to criticize nor to cast blame, but to remind myself that sharing about how and what those early days were about for me, is an important responsibility, that i have chosen to ignore. after all, i have been going to the same home group since i first got clean, so i assume that they have all heard and remembered those early days. when i get into that particular line of thinking, i need to be reminded that yes i need to share for myself, and that most of the members of my home group were not part of this fellowship way back when. what they see i quite a different picture than angry, self-absorbed nut ball that walked into the rooms in the day. i lacked any self-confidence, i was an arrogant and withdrawn, and did my best to keep everyone away from me. those members were respectful of my distance, but continues to share about how they got clean, and what worked in their lives to make them continue to stay clean on a daily basis. that message was far more effective in creating the desire for me to become a member than the hilarious tales of stupidity that marked their days of active addiction.
i could go on and on about what those members did for me, and it would not be a bad thing. what speaks to me most this morning is that perhaps i have been selfish in my sharing and that i need to remember more clearly what i needed back when i was struggling with the decision to become a member, and most importantly what i got. what i got was clues to becoming more than i ever was, and a new manner of living without the use of anything to alter my feelings. because for me, my disease preys on my need to not wanting to feel, and as i stay clean and live the program of recovery that was freely given to me, that need may be reduced but has yet to be removed. my hope is that the reduction will continue until that NEED is imperceptible to me, effectively being removed from my life. and that hope is not that far-fetched, after all looking at the evidence to date it is apparent to me that the change within is still happening.
life is good today, and the next meeting i attend, i intend, to return to sharing to the primary purpose. so off to work and into the real world.

∞ DT ∞