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is probably an indication that i need to take a good, hard look at how i share. although i have not found myself in quite that spot lately, i have been looking at my meeting attendance and finding all sorts of excuses about why i should not bother going. among the very good reasons IMHO, i find for skipping one of my regular meetings is that i have nothing to share and there is probably not going to be anything said that i need to hear. by now, everyone at my regular meetings has heard everything i have to say, and i can add nothing new to the mix.
so what does the reading today have to do with what i am starting to feel about meeting attendance? well one thing for certain is that the part of me i call my disease is certainly working overtime these days. what i want and what i need are becoming very confused. i am beginning to wonder why i even bother sharing at all, there are no real "BIGGIES" going on in my life and honestly i have heard all i can stomach right now about the horrors of active addiction and the reasons why recovery can not or is not working for someone else.
so here i sit, after a bit of pondering in exactly the situation that the reading so succinctly describes. i am one of those members after all! the question is now if i am ready to take the action described. i really do not want to add more meetings to my schedule, and i do not want to share anymore than i happen to be sharing theses days, so i guess i am not willing to do whatever it takes today. and that is a good thing to uncover at this moment BUT i am willing to share a bit along the guidelines suggested in the reading this morning.
what brought me to recovery? a life full of the consequences of using and finding the ways and means to use more. i was desperate back then and i probably am still desperate today to discover a manner of living that does not require daily numbing of my mind and my feelings.
how do i stay clean? well for one thing, i do not use anything no matter what! i also have integrated some basic things into my daily routine -- conscious contact with a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF, contact with at least another recovering addict, a bit of daily step work, reading the daily reading, and writing this piece of mind spew, oh yes and attending meetings on a regular basis.
so i guess i have answered my own concerns. if i want to continue to receive the gifts of recovery, i NEED to keep doing what i have been doing. after all, all i havbe is today!

∞ DT ∞