Some memes

there was once a time when i believed that being recovered from active addition meant that i was no longer an addict. after all the most destructive symptom of addiction was eliminated -- my obsession and compulsion to use. when i was in mere abstinence this was wishful thinking disguised as hope. i had seen other members get clean, stay clean and build new lives and disappear from meetings and the fellowship and assumed that they were “recovered.” the ones that returned, with their tails between their legs, i saw as the exceptions as most of those who leave never reappear. they must have lacked the “strength” to live their new lives. what i came to finally understand was that using was the entry point to my recovery and after that was removed there was still a shit ton of work to do, as i saw that addiction ruled my roost. in my current understanding of who i am, i m seeing that perhaps through therapy and thousands of dollars, i may have arrived where i am today. the fellowship and the recovery process i engage in, on a daily basis, may be slower and certainly cheaper, but i have no regrets about making that commitment all those days ago.
what drives me to that conclusion is how i made the lie i lived my “truth” and inside that paradigm i probably would have never got honest enough with a therapist to actually explode that lie and seek an identity that is truly me. there was way more than inertia operating within that version of me. the FEAR of being seen as something that was weak and without a path to a “normal” existence would, IMHO, keep me just as sick as always. i had to find a place where i was comfortable enough and disposed of enough of the shit that i created to protect myself, to finally let go, hence twenty-five or so years before i saw the reality of what was going on with me. the days that have followed have been interesting to say the least and as i see the damage the lie actually caused to how i value myself and see my place in the world, i am ready to see what freedom from that may actually look like. i will not be recovered on the other side of this step cycle, but perhaps i will actually recover what that five year old boy was willing to give away. for me, that is where the “magic” of recovery lies. in this slice of time, i am grateful that i have yet to arrive in a recovered state as i am quite clueless what that state may be. for the first time in a long time i can almost let go of my expectations of what may be and that, as small as it may seem, is a huge step forward for this addict.

∞ DT ∞