Blog entry for:

all facets of myself, seeing my true place in the world.
for someone like me, one who lived in a fantasy world of shifting personas and many faces, finding much less accepting my **true** self has been what one might call a daunting task. twenty-five years of living in the fog, took its toll on me, and ever so fragile identity. piled on top of that all the cultural bullsh!t of what it means to be a white male American citizen, with only a high school diploma and no real desire to better himself. to say the least, i was a bit of a mess. in fact, someone like me, who denied he needed a program, hell even denied he was an addict much less having a drug problem, the journey to arriving at having the DESIRE to find myself, was one fraught with FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, to say the least. i could go through the litany of “what-ifs” but why, as most of them have been expressed by myself and others until they almost sound cliché. nope i am content to speak about where i am today and how i can carry the message of HOPE, that there is more to this recovery gig, than just staying clean.
waking up as a fifteen year old in a forty year old body was quite a shock. seeing no future and not very happy with my past, i did my best to “fit in,” when i first came to recovery, which meant “fronting” the fact that i was willing to do whatever it took to defer the consequences of years and years of shady living. when i hear others, especially in the groups i serve, expressing their desperation, i have trouble getting that, or at least i used to have that defect active. i was quite certain that i was not desperate, just seeking an easy way out, that is who i still am, the “easier, softer way” kind of guy. more and more, as i get a few days clean, my misunderstanding about my desperation is evident. if i was not desperate, how come i am still here? after all, my legal troubles are way, way behind me. when my sponse said, mine was just quieter, i wonder. what i am thinking these days, was my desperation was just as loud, but drowned out by the wall of denial i had constructed and i could not hear through the noise that wall created.
just as when they told me personality change was what i needed, i was more than a bit resistant, my personality, or lack thereof, got me to through active addiction, so why would i need to have anything changed? what i have uncovered, as a result of my recovery journey, was that the pieces of who i was and could be, were all there, they just lacked any integration and my native intelligence used each and every one of those parts, to present what i needed to present to the world around me. a few SIXTH and SEVENTH steps cycles later, i certainly have seen what is like to be more complete and more whole, as it were. part of that journey was to stop isolating what i was into separate compartments and allowing the whole to be greater than the sum of my parts.
am i there yet? well here is where humility comes in. the short answer would be, not quite. the long answer gets wordy and drowns in either conceit or false humility. not quiet sums it it quite succinctly and expresses a slice in time, that is a reflection of how i feel today. as i wash, rinse and repeat, the step process, i approach the sort of person who is confident about who he is, and is better equipped to find my place in the world i find myself within. yes back to the whole notion of converging limits and infinity. as i practice my program of recovery, i approach the limit of the man i always wanted to be. day in and day out, i GET to feel my way through this journey and into the land of what never could be, a person who is comfortable in his skin and that wants to present the “real” man to the world around him, without fronts, personas and Jedi mind tricks.
Oh yeah and GO BRONCOS, KICK SOME RAIDER a$$ this evening!

∞ DT ∞