Blog entry for:

perfect humility, will probably be only achieved by me, when i shuffle off this mortal coil. i understand and accept that, as i am quite sure that only the most saint-like of human beings ever reach that state of enlightenment during their lifetimes, and i for one, am far from being a saint. that does not mean i stop my journey for lack of accomplishing the final outcome. accepting how human and yes how “flawed” i am, goes hand in hand with allowing myself to see the flip side, those places where i excel and have grown into during my journey in recovery to this point.
which brings me to two interactions i had yesterday. how do you let someone know that if they want to have a conversation with me, to ask for my time, before i am headed out the door? i am not Cedric the Entertainer and it is not my job to figure out what someone may or may not want or need, based on the scant evidence they may offer up. i truly hate “small talk” and am loathe to spend my day, chatting about nothings. i live life in a mode that attempts to look objectively at my day's activity, without judging if they measure up to being put into the “good” or “interesting” bucket. my days, as filled or unfilled as they may be with activities and events, simply “are” and that is the way my spiritual path bends my perception and these days i choose to allow myself to go with that flow, as it makes me happier, saner and certainly far less stressed. repeating that fact over and over again, does not fill me with love and compassion, in fact it frustrates the living shite out of me and leads me into having the desire to behave in a passive-aggressive manner, just to “show” someone that they are not the boss of me.
the other conversation had to deal with deaths that have occurred over the past seven days. i did not tell my friend and peer that my uncle dies on Wednesday night, as they were already having difficulty with the sudden passing of a friend's brother and one of our former peers in recovery. he asked if i knew what happened to our peer, and i blithely said, i did not know, but he “do not take care of himself.” that led to my friend, stating that they too, were lax in caring for their physical self and i replied i have been there,m done that and decided that even this late in life, i could care for myself and perhaps stave off the inevitable decline that comes with aging. i take as my example my uncle who died this week, after years of battling cancer. when i spoke to him on Sunday, i could see that he was done with fighting and was relieved he did not give in to his disease and fought it to this point, with all the resources at his disposal.
it may be too late for me to correct my years of neglecting my health, but i am going to do what i can, to make each day a tribute to my Uncle Tom and do what i can to live and thrive. i survived long enough and that is no longer my default choice. so it is off to my home group and into the warm November Saturday morning.

∞ DT ∞