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self-reflection is how did i put in 365 days ago, not part of my DNA. well a few more days with a bit more practice and i have yet to feel comfortable with honest self-refection but i am getting so much better at doing so. for instance, i know that my job is hanging on a thread and if i want to keep it, i will have to be a whole lot more diligent about getting stuff done. i also know that is if choose not to follow the suggestions from my physical therapist all the money i have already spent to go climb Kilimanjaro will be wasted and i may never get another chance to make that trek. both of those “issues” may not affect my recovery, but both hang heavy over my head, as i want to keep my job after January 1st 2024 and see Africa from its highest elevation. knowing this means that it is in my power to affect the changes i need to and live a life that is honest in all respects. it is ironic that as i spoke with a sponsee yesterday, they kept coming back to the fact that others wanted to hold him to a higher standard that they, themselves, were willing to meet, as i find myself in the gym again, judging the shit out of some of the others that are working out. it is not their body size or effort that sends me into the judgement machine it is the manner in which they do not do a whole lot but talk a very big game or even worse the extremely bad comb-overs i can see from the elevated track.
when it comes to the internal stuff, i am way harder on myself than i am on others. i always notice the extremes, and miss the everyday practice of spiritual principles, theirs' and mine. i know i am frustrated that i have to ride a stationary bike to maintain and build my fitness level, when i want to be climbing the hills, as weather permits and using the stair-stepper when it does not, both of those are currently not possible due to my over-use injury, that is starting to subside. what that means, for me anyhow i need to be kinder to myself, follow direction and let go of using my judgement machine to make myself feel better, it really is that simple.
as this day goes on, i can be certain that more than once i will throw a judgement or three. what i will attempt to do, is to look at what it is i am feeling and decide whether or not i deserve to hurt myself that way, just because i do not like the way i am feeling. that is what it is for me today, so it is back to the grindstone for another eight or so hours of work. i know i am doing better than i feel and the time has come to live up to that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞