Blog entry for:

in the world, at times **feels** as if i am seeking a **special purpose** or a perch upon which to judge everyone and everything that happens around me. coming to terms with who i am has certainly been a journey and the pendulum between being the embodiment of the **perfect** recovering addict and someone who will never **get** this stuff, swings wildly from day to day, rarely stopping in the center. when it does, i get a bit of serenity and then my head head kicks in and starts that weight swinging again. before i start down a “woe is me” path, i need to pause for a second and consider what IS my place in the world and how do i best fit myself to fill that spot.
now is where i would write about how much better i feel about who i am, based on how i felt way back when and how i see myself today. that is certainly a great exercise in compare and contrast, but, these days, looking back over the decades does little to help me feel my way to my place in the world. in fact, that sort of exercise makes me regret that i am not further along to being a person who “knows” his place. the fact is, that i never really wanted to feel that my life had worth, as all i could see is how worthless and purposeless my life was. my greatest desire today, is to stop swinging between the extremes of how i see myself and just be comfortable with where i am.
my sponse often directs me to pay attention to the here and now and be present for myself. as i grow in my recovery, i see my tendency is to look at the starting and finishing lines, and miss the fact that i have grown more comfortable and better able to stay present. i may suck at Fantasy Football this year and have to fade the heat from my friends and peers, but my less than stellar performance, is not who i am. i keep going back to what i told a friend and peer about how his identity need not be tied to what he did in the past. which certainly goes to what i heard this morning. when i see myself, as i am today, imperfect and flawed, i can run with that and get the pendulum swinging again, or i can balance that reality with the fact that today i no longer have to feign empathy, compassion or caring. the journey i am on, regardless of how far i have to go, is where i can focus, when i feel that pendulum swinging. when i am present for who i am, i can stay somewhere between the extremes, live on the boundaries between the dark and light, humbly accepting myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞