Blog entry for:

on another human being to meet my needs, which may be a bad thing. relying on others to assist me in my journey is a good thing and so i start this mind dump off with a good news, bad news kind of lead in. not certain about where i am going this morning i better take care of a bit of bidness before moving on:

Good Morning Mike C,
Congrats on 5113 days clean;
that is 14 years for the mathematically challenged.
Thank you for sticking around.

on this Boxing Day, like many before this one, i sit here pondering the difference between relying on others to meet my needs and depending on others to assist me in my journey through active recovery. it may seem a bit pedantic and a matter of of semantics, but lately i am finding that the subtle difference between what is being said and what i think is being said, can be a major stumbling block for this addict. i know that much of what i write here may seem sort of like “advanced” recovery, getting and staying clean has very little to do with how i live my life today. quite honestly anyone who piles up a few days clean and is getting itchy about the program is ready to move on to more that the No Matter What Club. in my opinion, what takes many of my peers back out, especially after a fairly long stretch of clean time, is the fact that they do not move on. if mere abstinence is enough and this is as good as it gets, well perhaps there is a better way. i have friends and peers, sitting in county lock-up who ascribe to that notion, whether or not they are ready to admit it.
ah but i have wandered far from what i meant to say. reliance on others to fulfill my needs, is a setup for failure, HOWEVER depending on others to provide me what i cannot see is the path for success. one can speak of a HIGHER POWER providing guidance and many may have burning bush experiences, i am not one of those. what i get is the through the words and deeds of those who are part of my life today as well as the events that transpire across the course of my daily travails. being awake and present for the “Word of GOD,” as it were, allows me to shift my reliance from other human onto the POWER that fuels my recovery. having to pay attention, forces me to pay attention to what is going on inside, even when i want to choose to ignore it. adding more social connections and being present for my peers, loved ones, friends and acquaintances is far different than relying on them to satisfy my needs. i am clean today because someone took the time to believe in me, way back when and forced me to sit here long enough to finally dispel any notions i had about being unique. it was not that i relied on the justice system to give me recovery, but i am quite certain that without it, i probably would have never found the rooms and a path of recovery that gives me far more than just another day clean.
it is a great day to be clean, and even though the home team lost and looked terrible doing so, i am not going to set my hair afire and run through the streets lamenting those sad facts. nor will, i gloss over my disappointment with their overall performance. it is what it is and to allow the actions of a professional sports team to dictate my feelings and actions twelve or more hours after they completely fell apart, is not what i am about today. i am disappointed but not sad or depressed, as relying on a professional sports team for my happiness is not the path to serenity i seek today.

∞ DT ∞