Blog entry for:

that the world revolves around me.the reading this morning is so ironic in many ways, as the past twenty-four, nay belay that. the past twelve hours has been quite a lesson in unchecked self-centeredness, and it was not so much mine, but i did not react very when running smack dab up against it.in the long run, i am not quite sure i was most spiritual creature, in fact, i hung up after getting disrespected on last time.
so the story goes like this, after coming home from a service commitment and while working with another member i get a call from an unknown number. it was a “friend” who has been “around” the program for a little bit of time, who is once again starting from nothing due to the consequences of their active addiction. the short story is, that once again, when they needed a “favor” because their “process” did not work out as planned, i was the 911 dispatcher, because now their failure to planned became my problem.what ended up happening is i said no, and when they said that this was bullsh!t, because i for once said no to their never ending need for “favors.” it goes without saying that telling someone FVCK U and hanging up on them and refusing to take their call, was far from the most spiritual path for me take. in fact in my TENTH STEP last night, i stumbled across my behavior time and again. each and every time, my justifications and rationalizations flew and i quickly became the self-centered man of a thousand excuses.
this morning after a night at work and a short bit of sleep, i once again came across my behavior and how i “felt”about that chain of events. i understand that this has been a long time coming and the anger that i felt last night was certainly directed more at me, rather at them. was it self-preservation or self-centeredness that i was acting out last night? the answer i “felt” was a little of bit of both, as nothing these days in my recovery path never seems to be black and white. my reaction last night was a long time in coming, as my definition of what is and what not a friend, apparently differs from the addict in question. what i believe i owe those whom i call my friends is not based on what they have done for me in the past, nor how they treated me in the past, and yet, when push comes to shove, history was the elephant in the room that tromped all over me. i know it is my job to let go of the past. it si also my job to take responsibility for my behavior last night. finally and most importantly is is my job to let go of that past, forgive the wrongs as i perceive them and become willing to at least have a conversation, now that the heat of the moment has left my spirit.
today, i am content knowing that i still have some passion and yes that i can still be a self-centered addict. i also know that expecting my friends to do things quid pro quo is still part of my i am, at least for the extreme cases such as the one i found myself in, last night. i have been looking at a path through my next round of steps and perhaps this is the glimmer of what i need to be working on next, or not. my job on that front is to open myself to the possibilities and be okay with what i finally uncover. so back to the salt mines and the task at hand.

∞ DT ∞