Blog entry for:

terms with my own humanity, is not something i ever thought i needed to do. when i got clean, i believed that i knew who i was, flaws and all, and those flaws were trivial and not worthy of being something with which i had to think about. early recovery changed my mind and the message i kept hearing, whether it was being said or not, was that my ego needed to be decimated and i was nothing but a sack of character defects, leaving a trail of chaos and confusion in my wake. yes, in those days, there i was unable to see anything between the extremes.
this morning, as i pound this little bit of mind-dumpery out, i ponder what i “heard” as i sat. what kept surfacing was the amount of crap i still feed myself on a daily basis. most of that, i dismiss as it comes to my attention, but the subtle whispers of how i saw myself for ll those decades, still infect my being, no matter how strong the “antibiotic” known as active recovery happens to be. the whispers of what were once screams are hard to counter, especially when stuff is not happening quick enough or according to my plans. after telling myself that i was worthless, broken and unfit for polite company for so long, even the slightest obstacle, self-imposed for the most part., is enough to go down that path again. and woe is me, if i make a mistake that is caught by anyone else.
what i take away from this is that i am okay, flawed as i am. my assets and defects do not define who i am, they merely are part of what and who i am, as i am greater than the sum of my parts. i never needed my ego to be smashed, what i needed and what i got was the right-sizing of that ego, to become the person i may have always wanted to be. once upon a time i may have desired to have all sorts of external signs of being better that i felt i was. today, and just for today, i am okay seeking the internal signs that i am on the correct path and that no matter how much i howl and scream inside, i am perfect the way i am right now.

∞ DT ∞