Blog entry for:

of thinking, often consists of obsession over what i DESIRE and how the fVck i am going to get it, RIGHT NOW! i might apologize for being so blunt and direct in this opening salvo about addiction and how it affects my life today, yes i might, but i will not. just for today, i can accept and express what i am feeling right here and right now, without explanations, rationalizations or justifications. it sucks that sometime i have such strong feelings, yes even a passion, for how i was wired when i came to recovery and how long it seems to be taking for that rewiring job to show results. DESIRE, at least for me, seems to go way beyond how it affects the other 85%, although these days i am not quite sure about the veracity of that statement. this is not a comment on the self-absorbed and self-entitled nature of society today, this is all about me.
i certainly walked into recovery as a creature consumed by DESIRE, and every waking action i took was a step in the plan to meet the most overarching DESIRE of all, namely to get high. getting clean, however did not remove DESIRE, it just changed it into a different form, to feel “good” all the time and do whatever it took to feel that way. more and more i discovered that the relief i once felt “getting and using,” could not be bought on a time payment, no matter how bright and shiny my newest toy was. materialism just did not fill that hole and DESIRE consumed me even more. the end result of all of this was i finally reached a point where i would either have to use, or i would have to commit to a single program of recovery with my whole being. “half-assing” my recovery would no longer work. even with that commitment, the changes i DESIRED the most, seemed to take the longest and after being a very big fish in a teeny-tiny pond,, i saw that what i was seeking had to come from within me, myself and i.
DESIRE, is still part of who i am and often drives me in a direction that makes bad decisions look as if they are the best for me. even when the possible consequences are not what i desire, i will often go down that path impatiently waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were. of course, when i do not get what i wanted, i can blame the part of me i call addiction and abdicate my responsibility once again, the world famous “my addict mad me do it” argument. today, i want to be better than that and need to remember that the only one who cares if things get done in my time is me. i may not become some sort of Mother Theresa with saint-like patience , compassion and gratitude, but i can be incrementally better than i was yesterday. for this addict it is more than enough to stop and ask myself, is this unmet DESIRE or is this a real and true NEED and does it need to happen right now?

∞ DT ∞