Blog entry for:

seeking the kind of full-bodied spiritual awakening that will allow me to live and enjoy life on its own terms. delaying gratification and learning to become patient, quite a feat, and one that feels nearly impossible some days. oh yes, i want what i want, and not only that i want it yesterday, now is not nearly soon enough.
so here is sit, this cool and dry saturday morning pondering my future and wondering if my dreams are just idle wishes that the reading speaks about or if they are realistic desires for which i must be prepared to make sacrifices. i feel like i am coming to the end of another phase of my life, and am uncomfortable with the changes as i see them. or perhaps, i am just uncomfortable because all of a sudden i am beginning to start the formation of new dreams and desires. things are currently juts beyond my ken, which is quite possible. i have been cruising on autopilot as far as life dreams are concerned for a few years now. it seems that all that i ever wanted i have, and as a result, those dreams that have been fulfilled have yet to be replaced by new ones. in the meantime, i sit here with not nearly enough respect, prestige, money or toys wondering how much more of myself do i need to give up of myself to get those desires. or are they really desires? perhaps i am reaching into the bucket full of those desires that my culture ans society tell me are important, to take the place of actual dreams, you know the easier softer way, use what others say, instead of using what my heart and HIGHER POWER says. after all, those items are quantifiable and those others are esoteric. but anyway, regardless of what i am looking at, i seem to want more and i seem to want it now. although working a program of recovery has reduced that particular behavior, it has yet to be eliminated, and perhaps it never will be gone entirely. i am who i am, and a recovering addict learning to dream again, is what i feel i am today.

∞ DT ∞